motivation.

Thin enough to float away ♥
I am never going to get 'O' back until I am thin. Until I have lost all this fat that is clinging on to me. And I want him back..I need him back. I need to feel the way I feel when I am with him. Nobody understands. Everyone lectures me that he is not what I need, that I am being taken for a mug (he has a gf..a superskinny blonde gf)...but they don't get it, they don't understand how he makes me feel. Two years on and he still gives me butterflies everytime we talk, makes me feel something I have never felt with any other guy..surely that must mean something? They tell me to let him go but I can't, I physically cannot. I will get him back one day .. when I am thin and worthy of him.....if love isn't the key movtivation then what is.

Sooo I have decided to try out the lemon dextox diet agaain..my mum was against it last time but do you know what, I don't care. I have bought a new bottle of the syrup since my mum threw away my last one....she can really think again if she considers losing me another £40! Ive just finishd my first cup of the day and you know what, I actually enjoyed it! The last time i did this, well attempted this I could not stand it but thats because I was doing it with just cold water but today I have used hot water boiled in the kettle and it was lovely :) .. fingers crossed this is gonna do something! I decided to give it a go aagain after reading it on A Journey to Bones blog....I'll tell you what people you should follow her, she and her blog are amazing :) http://ajourneytobones.blogspot.com

BUT ... the scales have gone from the kitchen I noticed this morning,,I havnt weighed myself in about a week but wanted to know my weight before I started this (my mum has her slimming world scaless in the kitchen, they are gooood so I only really use those)....so then I went to my bathroom to use the crappy ones, anything is better then nothing BUT they wernt there either?! ..I looked in the family bathroom,,no, my mums bathroom, no? Where the hell are the scales!!! Hmmmmm.

The weather here is horribbble today so here is some summer thinspo for you all :)

diet pills???

a 3 letter word sums up this post.. F-A-T.

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT.

When is ana going to find me..why is mia not helping me..why do I feel so alone.

I need your help..does anyone know any diet pills and work,,that you've tried and work..remember I'm from england.

Every bit of fat that is covering up my beautiful skeleton frame needs shifting..needs to go.

Now its time to get serious.

stupid me.

Well I can safely say I am losing it. I have mentioned before about cutting but last night whilst I was out I just felt so sick everytime I looked in the mirror I just all of a sudden started stratching at my arm and couldnt stop and now I biggest mark of my arm...which looks like a burn or that ive scraped it bigtime...it looks awful..and is soo sore,,why did I do it??? I go on holiday on friday and I have that now on my arm....as if being fat isnt going to be horrid enough. My mum comes back from her holiday on wednesday..what am I ment to tell her? I burnt myself? Or maybe I'll say that I fell over last night...she would easily believe that..or I might actually just tell her what happened..because to be honest I really don't want to start in the whole self harming routine again..espeically this which I have never done before..Im a mess.

The boy .. 'O' .. the one I have probably spoke about quite often........he split up with his gf..his super skinny blonde gf 'L' and got with me and then not long after he decided to split up with me and got back with her..remember? Well we speak quite alot .. on msn and text and BBM but i havn't spoke to him in person in about a year..we have seen eachother out but never talk ..me and his gf arnt the best of friends as u can guess..well anyway he came round on wednesday as i have a free house. Why Why Why did i let him come round..yes we ended up kissing..alot ..nothing more but still......I can't let this happen again, because when it comes down to it hes just gonna carry on with his happy little life with L and its me that gonna end up getting hurt and I cant take that again ..he said he was gonna come round either 2mro or tuesday but I am gonna say no....we still have such a big spark between us but I know hes never gonna choose me over L .. i mean why would he so I need to stop it before I end up gettin too attached again.

I havnt much to report on the weight loss......I was 165 the other day when I checked..Im still on the binging and purging cycle,, thing is I have started to spit up little bits of blood when I purge lately ?

I just want to be skinny .. thats all i really want. :(

dont be so stupid.

Mum - are you eating properly?
Me - what?
Mum - are you eating properly?
Me - why?
Mum - don't answer a question with a question..
Me - yes ...why?
Mum - your just getting too thin.

Don't be so stupid. Never have I wanted to laugh and cry so much...shut the hell up..I'm not looking anywhere near thin let alone pushing the boat out at too thin. What the hell is she on...it gets me so angry. It should make me happy someone saying that but when I know full damn well it makes no sense it makes me mad. And paranoid...do you think she has come across my blog? Or I havnt cleaned around the toilet properly after I've purged? Or she has heard me? Or she has found my food diary? Surely it has to be one of them considering I am still yet to hit my first loss of one stone target..something must b wrong but then she isn't the sort of person to tip toe around things..its got me wondering now.

I went to visit a friend at uni this weekend..had such a good time..so nice to get away but then the amount of calories I must have consumed in alcohol is disgusting..and you know what else is disgusting..the pictures her uni friends took and plastered on facebook. I actually look morbidly obese..no jokes..my legs look massive..my arms look enormas..my boobs..eurgghh I hate my boobs, why can't I have small boobs and not huge things that makes clothes look horrid on me. I literally hate every part of my body..and my face..why can't I ever take nice photos and be photogenic..why does the camera hate me so much. God I hate me so much..my height, I think that is the only thing I like about me.

A lot has gone on lately with this guy..I've mentiond him before..S, complete dickhead that mucks me around, calls himelf a 'player' and is pretty proud by that..well once again I fell for his niceness and once again he screwd me over and dropped me......I knew he would so why did I even let him..possibly the biggest mug going. I seem to only go for the bad boys..the ones I know are gonna hurt me and mess me around and I have no idea why. But wedsnsday after me and S had arrangd to go cinema but then he decides that morning we shouldn't go as 'i feel if I get close to you again I will want you and I will fuck you about, that is what I do and I don't need a girl in my life atm, sorry' .....what?! Its been arranged like a week..n we had been txtin evry day, why leave it til that mroning to put that on me..I'm sure u would have thought that sometime before....he makes me so mad. if I wasn't so fat and so ugly id be okay, guys wouldn't need to give me excuses like that but I am and so well I don't blame him. The way he handles things isn't right I will admit that but not wanting to meet up..to be with me..is perfectly understandle. And actually me writing this now its making more and more sense..and I don't seem to hate him so much, he is a dick yes but also he's just a boy that wants a pretty girl, a pretty thin girl and I can't hate him for that.

Well I am actually going to sleep now with a much clearer head..not as much anger for him but more for me..but that I can handle, wrong ways of handling maybe but its my way. Night x x

i want to be beautiful.

What do you do when you literally have no enery to smile anymore?

I don't know what to do, lately I just have been feeling so down and I just can't seem to bring myself back up. I feel like I am going to burst into tears at any point during the day, during the night..pretty much all the time. As you can guess the weight isn't budging, I physically feel sick when I look in the mirror. I bought fake tan yesterday and I couldn't even do that right, I have black hands and patchy legs.. had my hair cut yesterday too which I hate, there is too many short layers at the top and not enough near the bottom so it looks stupid and its too short .. why does everything have to go wrong at once.

Was meant to be going to a party tonight but ended up changing my mind, 1) because I look more of a state then usual after the fake tan ... 2) I look a fat cow in whatever I wear.. and 3) my ex wil be there with his perfect gf and then also guy that I like so because of 1 and 2 I would rather not like them seeing me. I asked 2 of my best friends that wern't going if they wanted to go cinema instead but nopes they are with their boyfriends, no shock there..so once again it's me on my own. I could be out getting drunk with my friends but I just don't think I could face it..I hate the idea of everyone looking at me...I get so paranoid thinking people are laughing and judging and mocking me, I wish I didn't but I always end up getting so upset thinking people are.

Ah well I am going to stop with the depressive rant........supposed to be going out tomorrow too for one of my girls birthdays..guess I can't get out of that one too..going to pizza express first which I am no way eating a lot .. I might just say I feel ill but I'll soon recover for the drinking as I think a very heavy night is needed.

Why can't I just be a normal happy girl with a normal happy life and a perect figure and a perfect boyfriend who would do anything for me...........ahh you've got to dream sometimes.

♥

Well the past few days have been such a mix of emotions..such a blur. My sister went into hospital on saturday evening to be induced as her waters broke on the friday .. so me and mum were there in the waiting room........22 hours we spend in that hospital!!! She had a little girl at 9.40pm on sunday..the longest wait of my life but definatly worth it, she is amazing ♥ so so amazing and beautiful. Then today I had to go to a funeral, my mums cousin..I thought I would be fine, that I wouldn't cry but I definatly made a mistake in going. I know it has been 2 years since my dad died but it was way too soon for something like that, when his daughter read a piece of writing she had done I just couldn't stop crying, it just all came flooding back. So hard to go from such a happy weekend, becoming an auntie to the most beautiful little girl to today which was very painful and upsetting.

However the 22 hours spend in the hospital didn't too anything for me, I feel disgusting saying this but there was nothing to do but eat. I was literally forced to eat just to stay awake, stuff myself with crappy vending machine foods...soo yes you can understand that I shall not be stepping on those scales anytime soon.

Anyway I have work tomorrow 8-6 so I should get some sleep, just after I finish watching 90210...I have a week off next week and can't wait to spend lots of time with my baby nieceee ♥ x x