too much.

Do you know when you just feel like you have had enough? Well I am at that point.

I absolutely hate xmas, its just too emotional for me and then theres all the food and xmas sweets lying around the house..its torture, but since I am split up from college I just tend to stay in my room most the day, I'll go downstairs to get some water but quickly get back upstairs before I stupidly go and eat something. So this week all I have been eating is dinner and maybe a snack in the evening so definatly no more than what..500 cals a day?

Went to the gym yesterday, first time I had been in a week and OMG I literally could of died after the first 30 seconds but I got on with it did 15 mins on cross trainer, then 15 minutes running and then it was 7.30 just in time for eastenders so got back on the cross trainer and breeeezed through half hour on that...I sort of forgot I was even on it after like 10 minutes which was good. Going to go again tomorrow..I need to get back into the swing of it.

My mum keeps commenting on how she thinks I'm losing weight? Which is annoying me because I am not, I don't think so, my scales don't think so, so why does she think so? It makes me all paranoid like maybe she has found my diet pills in my bag, or my food track diary? Or even this blog? I doubt any of them because I know she would be on me like a shot confronting me about any of them, I know it is meant to make you feel good if someone thinks you are losing weight but its just like so frustrating like urrmmm why lie.

Yes I have just had too much of this place. I applied to uni the other week or so and I don't think I will hear anything now until after xmas but I just hope I do hear some positive news back asap because I just need to get away from here..sttart a fresh. One of my best friends made it 'official' with this guy she was seeing sooo basically 'then there was 1'. All 3 of my best friends now have a boyfriend and then theres me...I hate being the odd one out, I am glad they are happy, of course I am but that doesn't stop me from feeling like crap all the time. I just want a boy to make me happy like they have, a boy to spend my saturday nights with, to give me a cuddle when I want to cry and tell me it is going to be ok. Nothing ever works out for me and it has got to the point where I wonder whats the point as I don't think it ever will.

I need need need to shift all this fat on me, get rid of it, I want it out my life so I can atleast feel happy maybe? Feel happy at atleast one aspect in my life?

I need to be in control, to feel control.