Sunday, 13 June 2010

stupid me.

Well I can safely say I am losing it. I have mentioned before about cutting but last night whilst I was out I just felt so sick everytime I looked in the mirror I just all of a sudden started stratching at my arm and couldnt stop and now I biggest mark of my arm...which looks like a burn or that ive scraped it looks awful..and is soo sore,,why did I do it??? I go on holiday on friday and I have that now on my if being fat isnt going to be horrid enough. My mum comes back from her holiday on wednesday..what am I ment to tell her? I burnt myself? Or maybe I'll say that I fell over last night...she would easily believe that..or I might actually just tell her what happened..because to be honest I really don't want to start in the whole self harming routine again..espeically this which I have never done before..Im a mess.

The boy .. 'O' .. the one I have probably spoke about quite often........he split up with his gf..his super skinny blonde gf 'L' and got with me and then not long after he decided to split up with me and got back with her..remember? Well we speak quite alot .. on msn and text and BBM but i havn't spoke to him in person in about a year..we have seen eachother out but never talk and his gf arnt the best of friends as u can guess..well anyway he came round on wednesday as i have a free house. Why Why Why did i let him come round..yes we ended up kissing..alot ..nothing more but still......I can't let this happen again, because when it comes down to it hes just gonna carry on with his happy little life with L and its me that gonna end up getting hurt and I cant take that again ..he said he was gonna come round either 2mro or tuesday but I am gonna say no....we still have such a big spark between us but I know hes never gonna choose me over L .. i mean why would he so I need to stop it before I end up gettin too attached again.

I havnt much to report on the weight loss......I was 165 the other day when I checked..Im still on the binging and purging cycle,, thing is I have started to spit up little bits of blood when I purge lately ?

I just want to be skinny .. thats all i really want. :(