Monday, 30 November 2009


i just want to disappear

just disappear



Tuesday, 24 November 2009

midnight blog.

Ok so I havn't reached it yet, I don't even want to know what I weigh right now because I know I won't like the answer. I havn't been very good lately, since I havn't been blogging I have eaten not so well. I think blogging helped me along, helped keep track. Anyway it is not the fact that I have consumed thousands of calories because I havn't, I'm sure I have kept it below 1000, 1500 at the most but its what I've chosen to eat that has been the failure, stupid snacks, crisps, chocolate, toast and other foods I should be steering clear from. Sometimes I have felt so disgusting afterwards I have purged but the last week I woke up in the morning after violently vomitting my dinner and had red dots ALL over my face, I've noticed a few red dots before after purging but never thought anything of it thought it may just be a heat rash from where I work myself up in a state, and well I googled it and found they were broken capillaries and luckily they went in about 2 days but even my mum noticed them, I just said I think I had a allergic reaction to a facial mask at college (I am studying beauty therapy) and she took it but I can't be having that happen all the time, Mia's meant to help me not make looking in the mirror 100 times worse.

I was watching supersize vs superskinny tonight and what I don't understand is how a 21 stone woman lost nearly 3 stone in the space of 12 weeks? All just by eating a normal diet, normal portion sizes? Why can't I lose anywhere near close to that when I am eating less than a normal diet, and smaller than normal portions and exercising vigorously?

Am I meant to be fat? What happens if this is what I am meant to look like, if fat is my fate? Is that possible?

I don't think anyone has the answers but some answers would seriously help, I just don't know where to look for them.

I just feel completely lost. Lost and losing. Losing when I just want to win for once. But am I just fighting a losing battle?

I hope all you ladies are not feeling as low and discouraged as me and are actually winning this battle.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

my thinspo special--x

I havn't reached the weight I want to before I post again but this is just a bit of a thinspiration post. But a special one for me. This may sound silly but for all the tough times I've gone through One Tree Hill has been the thing that helps me through, yes I know what your thinking, it's only a tv show but I am just in love with it. Whenever I have a bad day I just watch it back to back, when my dad died nearly two years ago the only tv I watched for about a month was One Tree Hill. The quotes, the storylines, the characters, they all seem to help me through things, things I can relate too. And well this post is some thinspiration from the One Tree Hill girls because they are all so amazingly gorgeous and I believe they can help me do this.

Everyone has to find that one thing that helps motivate them to carry on.

Thin is beautiful, even thinner is perfection.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009


171.9....what???? I don't understand, I barely eat anything and if I do it hasn't been more than about 700 cals in nearly a month and I have been exercising pretty much every other day burning from 400-800 calories and I am going up rather than down? I hope to god I am not getting muscle weight, I may need to lay off some of the exercising. I know about when your body goes into starvation mode and just stores all the fat but surely that only lasts for so long? Since I have started really lowering my calories and exercising regularly I have lost a total of 8 lbs but it seems to be sticking between 168-171..why isn't it going down. It makes me so frustrated when I fast and then I havn't lost which just makes me what to binge, I am fat already so might aswell go and fill my face with crap.

C came round today, the boy I told you about yesterday, he was only here for about an hour as he bought a new car and it was near where I lived so he stopped in. We just chatted for quite a while but then lay on the bed cuddling for ages, I mean he was proper holding me cuddling. Surely you wouldn't do that to just a friend? Ahh I don't know I need to forget about him and concerntrate on losing all this weight.

I have decided I am not going to post any more blogs until I get down to 165 so I may be gone a while girls, hopefully not though.

I will still read all of your blogs though and support you..stay strong girls hopefully I'll be back soon.

Thin is beautiful, but even thinner is perfection

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

once upon a time

There was a boy. I've known him since I was about 13 when he was a youth club helper at the youth club I went too and it was my first 'older guy' crush, he was amazing. Now seven years later we still talk and for the last like year we talk pretty much every day texting, we meet up go for a drink, I go to the same gym as him so we have started training together and I think I am falling way to deep again. Thats a problem of mine, I fall deep, everytime. But....he has a girlfriend, they have been together about 4 years now but he tells me he cannot see them going anywhere but still doesn't change the fact they are together. What can I say though, he is one of those genuinely nice guys, I know that sounds a cliche because it barely happens but seriously he is one. I can't do anything about it though, if he felt the same way as me he wouldn't be with his girlfriend surely? And I don't want to tell him how I feel because to ruin our friendship would kill me, I have no control over something that is all I can think about and it is so frustrating. But my weight..I have control over that, I can change that which may change his views on me? If he see's a thin girl instead of what he see's now I may be in with a chance right? Maybe, maybe not, but it is as hell worth a chance I know it is.

Me and him, C, where at the gym yesterday and I found it so weird how he stepped on the scales after our workout hoping that it had gone up. I can't ever imagining wanting to see the numbers go up on a scale?! I know guys like to have muscles and be 'hench' but I do find it strange how two minds can want the complete opposite.

Saturday I fasted all day until about 7pm my mum literally forced me to eat something as I was going out and she wouldn't let me go without lining my stomach so in the end I settled for some pasta shapes which were 110 calories. I don't even know why I bothered fasting because I went out and got pretty drunk so god knows how many calories I consumed then and to top it off I had a subway melt on the way home at like 3am......drunken munchies are the worst! So Sunday morning I was up again to 172 : This morning though after fasting Monday and gyming it I am back down to 168 and I need to carry on going down, I do not want to be in the 170's anymore, never. I've got to do this.

My mums making me make cottage pie tonight and I can't get out of eating it because it used to be my favourite but it is a slimming world recipe so its 350 calories and it's all I will be having all day so I guess not too bad. I think she is noticing I am not eating as much, every time she gets in from work or I get in from somewhere it is always 'what have you had to eat?' 'what did you have for lunch?' 'what you having for dinner?' , she may of used to always asked these questions but I am noticing it more now and I know what I am telling her are lieslieslie and I feel bad but somethings are less important now, being thin is all I should be focusing on. A big thank you too all you girls with your incredible support and comments, whenever I feel the urge to eat I come on here and look at your comments and your blogs and it pushes me too stay strong, you are all amazing.

Thin is beautiful, even thinner is perfection.

Friday, 13 November 2009

If it was easy, everybody would be thin.

Weighed myself the morning and am down another 2lbs since Monday. It feels like I am getting addicted, not so much to not eating because that has come easier than I thought but too losing weight. Im so eager and determined to see the number on the scales go down each time I'm on it. It's then opposite at the gym when I fight and fight to get the calories burnt number on the machines to go up, I am starting to feel obsessed.

Me being me I ruined my fast when I got in today from college and I don't know what made me go straight to the fridge and I opened a packet of ham and had 2 slices which is only 47 calories altogether but then that made me eat a packet of smokey bacon crisps. Literally shoving the crisps in my mouth so quick. Afterwards I just felt sick and when straight to the bathroom but it took me ages to get anything out, I usually find it easy to purge but this wasn't, felt like half my stomach acid had come flooding out just no food, eventually I got there. I still am pleased with a 42 hour fast, just next time I need to improve.

I have always wanted to lose weight, but never like this, I've never felt like it could actually happen. The motivation is different this time. I want to be able to lose so I can come on and tell you all and make me feel worthy. I want to get down to a number where I feel like I deserve a blog on here because I feel huge when I think of how much I weigh compared to some of you so I want to be able to feel accepted even though I already am starting to with comments from people, it does really help to know others are behind me, keeping me strong.

I will carry on doing what I need to do. I don't want food..I don't need is for the weak.
I'm strong, WE are strong, we can do it.

Do not give up what you most want for what you want at the moment.

Starve on ladies

Thursday, 12 November 2009

fly away.

Fasting has gone good today. All I have had is water and a whole load of it, been needing the toilet every 2 seconds. Was at the gym for 2 and half hours too and burnt 750 so..

Calorie Input - 0
Calorie Output - 750 and a whole loada walking to and from gym.

No food has passed my mouth since 9pm Wednesday night so I've gone just over 24 hours and I want to see how long I can carry on for, I didn't feel hungry today at all until about 6pm, I went to mcdonalds with my brother and sister but didn't eat anything, not saying I wasn't tempted because I was but I don't want to let myself and everyone else down. I want this. I need this.

College tomorrow and then gymming it again, burn of as many calories as I can.

I will be Thin.

Starve on girls, fly away.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

fast tomorrow.

Right gym tomorrow and going to fast all day tomorrow as well, had 640 calories today which is the most i've had all week and feel terrible, so bloated. So I plan to stay at the gym tomorrow as long as I can doing as much as I can to make up for today.

Got a test at college tomorrow as well, on the muscles of the face so have been revising all night which is why I think I ate a full dinner, to just get me away from revision...boredom is the worst thing for me because eating is usually the answer but not anymore, that has GOT to stop.

Sit-ups then bed I think.

Night everyone

Monday, 9 November 2009

Today was actually a good day.

I got up to get ready for college and thought I havn't weighed myself since thursday night, I guess I should face the music and well...I've lost 3 pounds. I was so chuffed, I honestly thought I was just going to stay the same or gain, so happy that I've lost because it has shown me that yeah, maybe I can do this.

I am so glad I made this blog because it really does help reading your blogs, realising that I am not the only one going through this, that there are people that understand me because it never feels like there is.

Had my gym induction today, at first i'm not going to lie, I actually believed I was going to die. But then after I went through the machines with the instructor (this totally hot guy that I was SO embarressed when he had to weigh me) I went and just did things myself and I'm proud of what I did. 30 minutes on the X trainer is dyerrrr but well worth it. Burned 496 caleries altogether which I think is good for my first day. All I've had to eat today is half a cup of cup-a-soup at college and the light-headness I felt after I stepped of each machine felt so good. So good. It tells you you are doing it right.

Do you believe in something beautiful?

Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control

I see it in your eyes,

I see it in your spine.

But do you believe in something beautiful?

Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control

Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Stay strong ladies, every lb lost is one step closer to your dream.

Sunday, 8 November 2009


On halloween me and my friends dressed up as zombie school girls and well I got a bit to drunk and then on the taxi ride home I didn't realise i basically did a 'zombie photoshoot' for my friends camera. She has only just uploaded them on facebook and I look hideous. I look like a beast in some of them, and others my face looks fat and my arms and just I generally look disgusting. My makeup and outfit obviously isn't meant to look nice anyway but I just look like I've took it one step too far. I've tried making her delete them but no she just goes and tags me instead, you all probably think I'm being silly but I actually just burst into tears when she wouldn't delete them, I got so angry. I don't want people looking at them and I don't want to look at them, she say's I look funny but I'm not laughing. It's days like this that I get so close to self harming again, I just look at how revolting I look and just want to make me feel pain for allowing myself to look that way and actually allow someone to take pictures. I need to sort myself out. I need to find my way to how I want and need to look. And I will, food is the enemyy, food isn't going to help me find that route, all it's going to do is stop me.


Thursday, 5 November 2009

thinspiration is motivation.

Thinspiration ♥

I look at these pictures and would just kill to be like that. I want to be the girl other girls look at and say 'I want to be as skinny as her' or even 'You are too skinny'. But the one thing I need to hear is 'Have you lost weight, you look great' .. that is what I want to hear so I know I'm on the right path.

But I swear my boobs have gotten bigger lately and surely that only means one thing, i'm putting on weight..getting fatter. Skinny girls don't have big boobs...they just mean one thing..FAT. I don't even dare step on the scales to be honest. I don't want to know if i'm fatter..I want to be thinner. I didn't feel very well today so my mum made me some carrot and correander soup, I only had half the can which was about 86 calories so I'm okay with that. And it even made me feel full.

I wish I had booked my gym induction for before monday because I just can't wait to start on the cardio again, I think I am going to be living on the treadmill come monday.

Thin is beautiful but even thinner is perfection. ♥

Night lovelies xxx

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

ill get there someday.

Bad day today, went round L's and we started eating sweet chilli sensations and I think I had too many I just got carried away and now I feel so bloated and sick..but also that time of the month which makes me feel even more bloated. Plus my skin is so so bad at the minute, spots keep creeping up from nowhere!

I did however join a gym again today finally..I've got my induction Monday so then I can begin proper exercise again.. I can't wait.

Tomorrow - fast .. it has got to be done.

I need motivation, I think that's my problem, I need to get some thinspo pictures up. Looking at them always gives me a kick. Oh did anybody watch superskinny v supersize yesterday..that girls collarbones..amazing.

All you girls on here are such inspiration..I hope I can be as strong as most of you.

Night <3 x

Sunday, 1 November 2009

sunday rant.

F A I L U RE .. I am a complete and utter failure. I lasted all day friday without eating anything but I only had one of those maple syrup drinks as they were revolting but I felt fine with just stocking up on water, I felt quite dizzy when I had a shower Saturday morning, I just felt so hot and faint I had to get out of there so quick! Saturday night I stayed at a friends and again I still hadn't eaten anything since thursday evening but then came today...



The detox diets off so I'm just going to have to fast during the day or just limit what I eat and then when my mums around eat as little as needed to keep her off my back.

I look at my 3 best friends and they are all size 8..small size 10 (US size 4) and then theres me a big 10/12 (US size 6-8) and just look like the beast...the fat one out of us all, the one nobody notices, no guys want a huge girlfriend and I just want fit in, be skinny. My ex's girlfriend is like a size 6 (US size 4) and I want to be like that, I might still have him if I was.

I just don't know if it will ever happen for me though :(