time to leave.

I'm pretty sure I propbably repeat myself so much on this thing and I apologise for that but why is it that whenever I have done well I always go and ruin it.....I was so happy to nearly be in the 150s but then I have to go and be a binge beast..why do that to myself! Now back up to 164 :|


Such a fat bitch. Fat Fat Fat. Urghhhhhhhhhhhh.

Why can't I have someone in my life that knows what I am going through..that wanted to help me or just at least be there to cushion the blow when I have these moods and all these emotions..to just hold me and say I can get throughh this and do it..I can be skinny..why do I have to hide all this f
rom everyone? Oh I know because they would tell me I'm stupid..they would look at me as if something was wrong with me..like I was in another world..which I guess I am, I'm in a world where skinny is the only way..perfection is the only way there is and I have to get there. I just have to.

This fat bitch has gotta go .. I have got to leave her behind, as far behind as I can..she needs to let me go.

blinked for a second then you caught me slipping.

I think this is the first post I have done in a while in which I am in a happy mood! And its such a sunnnny day..so I am going to treat you beautiful ladies to some thinspo :) Ahhh Esmee and Chipmunks song has just come on too .. I'm loving it right now.

I love the first picture..not sure why but adore what she is wearing..even though it's nothing special..it's my sort of style just obvs looks so much better on her!

Well I am very glad to report back to you guys that this morning my scales said 161.8 :) which come as much suprise considering I went out last night and drank so so much BUT didn't give in to my drunken munch cravings..was very pleased. I was however on the dancefloor most of the night so I guess that did me good! I have been doing really good lately I think with my intake..when Im at work I tend to just have an apple or 2 in my lunchbreak and then I have dinner when I get home..and yesterday all I had was an apple in the morning and then I told my mum I had a subway when I popped into town (which is easily believeable..I was once a subway addict) because otherwise she would have made me eat before I go out to line my stomach blah blah blah ..hummm helllo mum I do not want to go out with a fat bloated stomach thank you very much..however I grabbed a small slice of french stick just before I left to go to my friends because it was so softtt ..naughty I know!

Anyway so I am back to what I was before I went on holiday last month and this timee it is not gonna go back up...I shalll make it into the 150's by the end of next week...hopefully but like wednesday, going to make sure I go to gym tomorrow after work ..urggggh monday's I work 8-6 :( .. but I will try my hardest to still go however tired I am..we shall see!

Hugs and kisssses to you all :) x x x

wow .. the girl on supersize vs superskinny... 79 poundss..BMI of 15...she looks amazing. Yet she hates it..I don't really understand that, how I would kill to look like that. Then the supersizer..23 stones..actually making me want to be sick.

Still on 164.....getting bored of that number now. Ive started going to the gym again more often so just waiting for the number to go down..hurrrry pleaseeeeeeeee.

oldschool.

I found my prom dvd the other day that my sister made me, I have put a couple of my prom pics up before but deleted them as I get paranoid someone will recognise me but I shall put a few up for new followers as its nice to put a name to a face sometimes! Mind you these were 4 years ago now...this is when I was at my thinnest (yes I know it isnt very thin but its my thinnest and I want to be like it again). I want the protruding collarbones back, and the slimmer arms back..ahh how I long for thin arms.

And well I hate havingg my picture taken cos I always look dreadful but here are two recent pictures that have managed to be snapped..I shall keep my body out and its not a niceee site....well now you know who you are talking too :)

need to do better.

I was watching a film last night, The Freedom Writers and there is a part where the students have to grade theirselves on how they think they have done in an essay..and this guy gives himself an F, he feels he was failed in more ways than one, not just in his essay but in life in general...but then the teacher who clearly believes in him tells him how giving himself an F is bascially just a 'fuck you' to her and the rest of the class, to people that support him and can see the good in him and well it made me think that when I eat when I don't have to eat anything, and when I eat high loaded calories when I could choose something healthier it is pretty much just a 'fuck you' to all of you. You guys take the time to read my blog and comment and believe in me and I just throw it all back by stuffing my face and moaning that I can't do it..when really I just need to start believing in myself like you all do. So I am sorry for doing that and I really am going to try and do better, not just for me, but for my followers because you are all so great and give me motivation.

I'm going to give you my email incase anyone wants to email me, it is hard sometimes to reply to people seperately so I guess in emails you can talk one on one and I check emails alot more regularly too. Also if there is anyone in the UK that wants a texting buddy you can email me you number because I have found that does help, having someone on hand when times are tough! beautifuldreamsx@hotmail.co.uk .. be great to hear from people :)

xxx

get me out of this routine.

Afraid to say I have seemed to have got into the cycle I see a lot of you girls get into also..the dreaded binging and purging cycle. The past week or so that is all I seem to have been doing and I need to knock it on the head fast. I havnt weighed myself in a week and I don't want to because I can tell I have not lost..if anything I've gained and I would rather not face that reality in numbers.

Since the last message I've been speaking to my ex quite a lot and I don't know whether that's good or bad. I love talking to him and id rather have him to talk to then not having him in my life at all but am I just digging my own grave here? I don't want to hurt like I did before..like I still do..but I still can't let go of the thought I may still get him back..I just need to sort myself out first and keep thinking thin. Nobodys going to want me whilst looking like I do.

I found some out pictures of a family holiday in 2006 and I actually didn't think I looked bad in a bikini..I had a flat stomach and it made me think I have 16 weeks to my holiday to tenerife and I want to look ok in a bikini again..I know I probably won't look that great in only 16 weeks but hopefully it will be a start.

xxx