Thursday, 24 December 2009

don't label me.

I've been thinking lately and I don't actually know what it is with me, what is wrong with me.

I don't think I have an eating disorder.

I mean if someone was to give me a full dinner I would sit and eat it. Yes I would feel guilty afterwards and if I felt it was too much, if I had way too many calories and I was easily able to purge without people hearing then I would but that doesn't make me bulimic? Some may say I have bulimic tendencies but I can go a week or two without throwing up my insides..however sometimes purging becomes part of a daily routine..I don't know, it changes.

And yes I will happily fast. Fasting rewards us with the feeling of hunger and being able to beat it .. and I love feeling weak and dizzy .. and also beating it.

I'm also proud to say I'm pro-ana. Why do people say that is promoting a disease..nobody should have the right to say they someone shouldn't look how they want to look. So many people look disgusted and act disgusted when on the subject on an eating disorder .. who the hell are you to say it is wrong and they are too thin? I think thin in beautiful and have great respect for the willpower many have to achieve their dream.

I also yes religiously count calories, noting down what I've eaten but again that doesn't catergorize me as having an eating disorder.

All I really know is that thin is what I want to be, perfect is what I want to be and I will do whatever it takes to achieve that. Whether that be exercising daily, restricting or not eating at all..I will get there and nothing will stop me.

Thin is the goal, the destination. Thin is beautiful.

I want to see protuding, beautiful bones and I will get there even if it kills me.

I just don't want to be labelled for that because I don't see what is wrong with it.

Thin is beautiful.

Also I hope everyone has a lovely christmas, be strong. x x x

Monday, 21 December 2009

stupid snow.

Woke up Saturday morning, got on the scales and I was actually so suprised to see it read 168. Its taken long enough I'll tell you that. But to go and spoil it I was off to newcastle to visit my family for the weekend which yes consisted of picky party foods on Sat night....a early xmas dinner on the Sunday .. and then gravy and chips for the chinese that night .. I was dreading stepping on the scales tonight when I got home but I did and it was 170.6 .. how on earth did I only gain 2.6 lbs after the amount I consumed this weekend, thats madness, I mean 2.6 lbs is something I did not want to put back on but I'm sort of grateful as I thought it would have jumped a lot higher than that, but its made me more dertermined to get back down to 168 and a bit more by Xmas day...even though I can see it going up again after my Xmas dinners!

Im sooooooo annoyed with the snow. Im hating it now, on thursday night i had to drive home when it was blizzardy and it was the most worst and scariest drive of my life..had to do 20mph down the whole motorway ..and like joining the motorway from a slip road I couldn't tell what the the slip road still..or the hard shoulder..or the right or left side of the was awful!!!! And the amount of cars I passed that were either in a ditch or skidding across the road. And its still snowing now which means I doubt I'll be able to go to the gym tmorrow as I stupidly joined the gym next to my college which is like 30 miles away from my house so I am not driving again whilst the roads are still snowy and icey and it sucks .. I need to go to the gym..let off steam. Just hoping there is no more during the night or I will screamm.

Was watching hollyoaks tonight and I see its out about Hannah's ED again, I remember when it first came around it sounds stupid but I was jealous of her for being as commited as she was and losing the weight like she did and how thin she got (yes I know she was only acting which is why I said I know I sound stupid) but most of all I was jealous she had a friend who also had an ED and they had, helped and encouraged eachother, that is something I wish I had.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

too much.

Do you know when you just feel like you have had enough? Well I am at that point.

I absolutely hate xmas, its just too emotional for me and then theres all the food and xmas sweets lying around the house..its torture, but since I am split up from college I just tend to stay in my room most the day, I'll go downstairs to get some water but quickly get back upstairs before I stupidly go and eat something. So this week all I have been eating is dinner and maybe a snack in the evening so definatly no more than what..500 cals a day?

Went to the gym yesterday, first time I had been in a week and OMG I literally could of died after the first 30 seconds but I got on with it did 15 mins on cross trainer, then 15 minutes running and then it was 7.30 just in time for eastenders so got back on the cross trainer and breeeezed through half hour on that...I sort of forgot I was even on it after like 10 minutes which was good. Going to go again tomorrow..I need to get back into the swing of it.

My mum keeps commenting on how she thinks I'm losing weight? Which is annoying me because I am not, I don't think so, my scales don't think so, so why does she think so? It makes me all paranoid like maybe she has found my diet pills in my bag, or my food track diary? Or even this blog? I doubt any of them because I know she would be on me like a shot confronting me about any of them, I know it is meant to make you feel good if someone thinks you are losing weight but its just like so frustrating like urrmmm why lie.

Yes I have just had too much of this place. I applied to uni the other week or so and I don't think I will hear anything now until after xmas but I just hope I do hear some positive news back asap because I just need to get away from here..sttart a fresh. One of my best friends made it 'official' with this guy she was seeing sooo basically 'then there was 1'. All 3 of my best friends now have a boyfriend and then theres me...I hate being the odd one out, I am glad they are happy, of course I am but that doesn't stop me from feeling like crap all the time. I just want a boy to make me happy like they have, a boy to spend my saturday nights with, to give me a cuddle when I want to cry and tell me it is going to be ok. Nothing ever works out for me and it has got to the point where I wonder whats the point as I don't think it ever will.

I need need need to shift all this fat on me, get rid of it, I want it out my life so I can atleast feel happy maybe? Feel happy at atleast one aspect in my life?

I need to be in control, to feel control.

Friday, 11 December 2009


I know where I want this to go,

Driving fast but lets go slow,

What I don't wanna do is crash nooo.

Anything that's worth having,

Is sure enough worth fighting for,

Quiting's out of the question,

When it gets tough, gotta fight some more.

cheryl cole.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

old times.

I found some old pictures from my year11 prom which was urmm 3 years ago and I thought I would post them as it is a bit of motivation for me to try and get like that again. I weighed about 140lbs then and in the pictures I am in love with my protruding collar bones and my arm, I want my arms to be slim again .. I want to get back to this and get even further, weight a lot less.

(picture deleted because I get paranoid.)

Friday, 4 December 2009

she will be my friend.

Why is it that the simplest, easiest things are the most hardest to do?

Mum - 'Can I get you something to eat darling?'
Me - 'No thanks I've already eaten.'

On the way to Topshop and smelling the aroma of chips and vinegar from the chippy.
Just carry on walking.

Friend - 'I was thinking shall us girls go out for dinner tonight, have a catch up?'
Me - 'Ah well I am pretty skint at the moment, how about I join you afterwards for a drink?'

Mum - 'We are going to order pizza tonight for dinner, do you want some?'
Me - 'No thanks I'm not really hungry.'

Friend - 'Let all go out and get smashed tonight?!!'
Me - 'Not feeling to great so how about I drive?'

Paying for petrol and the packet of minstrels catch my eye and start calling me.
Look away, look away, pay for the petrol and go.

It is so simple to get out of situations to stop me from consuming urgh amount of calories so why is it so difficult to actually do! I have complete control over what I say and what I do so why is it that sometimes it feels like I have no control what so ever? Its crazy.

I am so unhappy with pretty much every aspect of my life. My family got torn apart last year so that side of things are awful, I am dreading xmas, it used to be such a fun, enjoyable happy time but now it is the complete opposite, no big family xmas's, no family xmas films on xmas eve, no being woke up and stupid hours by my little brother and sister and waiting for my dad to check whether santa has been and having to put on xmas music and lighting a fire before we are allowed to go in the living room. I miss it so much.

I have just applied for uni but I am just waiting to get rejected from them all, probably a certainty. My best friends are all cosy and happy with their boyfriends lately, yet theres me all alone still. The boy I liked turned around not to be who I thought he was, think there was just a biggg bit of leading me on going on. I guess its true, the bad guys lie to get in your bed and the good guys lie to get into your heart. The good guys always hurt the most though. Surely theres absolutely no hope when even the good guys screw you over? Hey what can I expect though, hes a guy, guys screw you over. Why can I not find someone that isn't like every other boy? I thought I found the exception to that with C but I was majorly wrong. I hate being alone, it's a feeling that i just can't seem to shift, I will be sitting there and just randomly burst into tears I hate being so emotional but I cannot help it. This is why I need Ana. I know she won't let me feel alone, she will be there for me, help me to get what I want. But I have a long way to go till I'm worthy of being her friend, I know that and I will do what I need, she seems like my sorta girl, the best friend I've been waiting for.


Tuesday, 1 December 2009

never easy.

I'll admit..I'm struggling, struggling a lot. My willpower fails me sometimes, actually not just sometimes, most of the time. Even when I think I am doing well I always go and ruin everything by eating something that turns into something else and something else and there I am in the middle of calorific hell. I just don't seem to have the control to say no when I should, I should be in control, this is all down to me and I need to start gaining some sort of control. It is so hard when you don't have anyone to talk to, I know I have all you girls on here but it is not so easy to just pop on the computor and blog especially when my internet in my house is so rubbish, it was down all last week..was torture. If there is anyone in the UK who is looking for a texting buddy I think that would be really helpful, whenever I'm tempted by something I have someone to talk me out of it, encourage me to carry on. Let me know if you thinking the same.

Hope evryone is doing okay :)