Friday, 16 April 2010

i want to be beautiful.

What do you do when you literally have no enery to smile anymore?

I don't know what to do, lately I just have been feeling so down and I just can't seem to bring myself back up. I feel like I am going to burst into tears at any point during the day, during the night..pretty much all the time. As you can guess the weight isn't budging, I physically feel sick when I look in the mirror. I bought fake tan yesterday and I couldn't even do that right, I have black hands and patchy legs.. had my hair cut yesterday too which I hate, there is too many short layers at the top and not enough near the bottom so it looks stupid and its too short .. why does everything have to go wrong at once.

Was meant to be going to a party tonight but ended up changing my mind, 1) because I look more of a state then usual after the fake tan ... 2) I look a fat cow in whatever I wear.. and 3) my ex wil be there with his perfect gf and then also guy that I like so because of 1 and 2 I would rather not like them seeing me. I asked 2 of my best friends that wern't going if they wanted to go cinema instead but nopes they are with their boyfriends, no shock once again it's me on my own. I could be out getting drunk with my friends but I just don't think I could face it..I hate the idea of everyone looking at me...I get so paranoid thinking people are laughing and judging and mocking me, I wish I didn't but I always end up getting so upset thinking people are.

Ah well I am going to stop with the depressive rant........supposed to be going out tomorrow too for one of my girls birthdays..guess I can't get out of that one too..going to pizza express first which I am no way eating a lot .. I might just say I feel ill but I'll soon recover for the drinking as I think a very heavy night is needed.

Why can't I just be a normal happy girl with a normal happy life and a perect figure and a perfect boyfriend who would do anything for me...........ahh you've got to dream sometimes.

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Well the past few days have been such a mix of emotions..such a blur. My sister went into hospital on saturday evening to be induced as her waters broke on the friday .. so me and mum were there in the waiting room........22 hours we spend in that hospital!!! She had a little girl at 9.40pm on sunday..the longest wait of my life but definatly worth it, she is amazing ♥ so so amazing and beautiful. Then today I had to go to a funeral, my mums cousin..I thought I would be fine, that I wouldn't cry but I definatly made a mistake in going. I know it has been 2 years since my dad died but it was way too soon for something like that, when his daughter read a piece of writing she had done I just couldn't stop crying, it just all came flooding back. So hard to go from such a happy weekend, becoming an auntie to the most beautiful little girl to today which was very painful and upsetting.

However the 22 hours spend in the hospital didn't too anything for me, I feel disgusting saying this but there was nothing to do but eat. I was literally forced to eat just to stay awake, stuff myself with crappy vending machine foods...soo yes you can understand that I shall not be stepping on those scales anytime soon.

Anyway I have work tomorrow 8-6 so I should get some sleep, just after I finish watching 90210...I have a week off next week and can't wait to spend lots of time with my baby nieceee ♥ x x