Mum - are you eating properly?
Me - what?
Mum - are you eating properly?
Me - why?
Mum - don't answer a question with a question..
Me - yes ...why?
Mum - your just getting too thin.
Don't be so stupid. Never have I wanted to laugh and cry so much...shut the hell up..I'm not looking anywhere near thin let alone pushing the boat out at too thin. What the hell is she on...it gets me so angry. It should make me happy someone saying that but when I know full damn well it makes no sense it makes me mad. And paranoid...do you think she has come across my blog? Or I havnt cleaned around the toilet properly after I've purged? Or she has heard me? Or she has found my food diary? Surely it has to be one of them considering I am still yet to hit my first loss of one stone target..something must b wrong but then she isn't the sort of person to tip toe around things..its got me wondering now.
I went to visit a friend at uni this weekend..had such a good time..so nice to get away but then the amount of calories I must have consumed in alcohol is disgusting..and you know what else is disgusting..the pictures her uni friends took and plastered on facebook. I actually look morbidly obese..no jokes..my legs look massive..my arms look enormas..my boobs..eurgghh I hate my boobs, why can't I have small boobs and not huge things that makes clothes look horrid on me. I literally hate every part of my body..and my face..why can't I ever take nice photos and be photogenic..why does the camera hate me so much. God I hate me so much..my height, I think that is the only thing I like about me.
A lot has gone on lately with this guy..I've mentiond him before..S, complete dickhead that mucks me around, calls himelf a 'player' and is pretty proud by that..well once again I fell for his niceness and once again he screwd me over and dropped me......I knew he would so why did I even let him..possibly the biggest mug going. I seem to only go for the bad boys..the ones I know are gonna hurt me and mess me around and I have no idea why. But wedsnsday after me and S had arrangd to go cinema but then he decides that morning we shouldn't go as 'i feel if I get close to you again I will want you and I will fuck you about, that is what I do and I don't need a girl in my life atm, sorry' .....what?! Its been arranged like a week..n we had been txtin evry day, why leave it til that mroning to put that on me..I'm sure u would have thought that sometime before....he makes me so mad. if I wasn't so fat and so ugly id be okay, guys wouldn't need to give me excuses like that but I am and so well I don't blame him. The way he handles things isn't right I will admit that but not wanting to meet up..to be with me..is perfectly understandle. And actually me writing this now its making more and more sense..and I don't seem to hate him so much, he is a dick yes but also he's just a boy that wants a pretty girl, a pretty thin girl and I can't hate him for that.
Well I am actually going to sleep now with a much clearer head..not as much anger for him but more for me..but that I can handle, wrong ways of handling maybe but its my way. Night x x
When everything goes wrong
5 days ago
I agree with you. You are not too thin... I would think something is going on with your mom too.
ReplyDeleteHey, we're like pro-ana twins you know. Same height, same starting weight, same current weight. :) Looks like about the same goal weight too. I don't cut or purge though. Just pro-ana. I get very close to breaking but I really believe I could be the me I want to be. That girl is in there, and even if I want to hurt myself, I'd never hurt her. So I stay away from the mia and sharp thingies.
I know exactly how you feel. Pictures are awful. Even if we're proportionately the same as smaller people who are slightly heavy, at our size we look like monsters next to them. I hate that. :P
And our height is a good thing but the fact that we have the gift of this height but aren't making the most of it by being thin and amazing is a horrible waste. I know that really gets me down. That I have the build of a supermodel underneath and I've spent years wasting it. Makes me sick really.
Well I'm going to subscribe to your blog. Thank you for being a kindred spirit... even if it was by accident. :) Hang in there, the supermodel you is in there, and if you're smart about it, you'll find her. The fat you will fade away, and you'll become who you want to be.
Maybe (hopefully) your mom just sees how much thinner you are so to her your too thin compared to what you used to look like- and hasn't come across your blog or something like that. I'm proud of you. Carry on.
ReplyDeleteLet's spiral out of control together. Cuz that's all we can do.
I'm followin you girlie :) hang in there.
xoxo
Vanilla Finnegan
i guess ur mom is just a lil concerned. my mom encourages me not to eat. she doesn't understand why i even have to eat. though when my mom says 'why do you eat?' i don't feel supported, instead, i feel so unwanted... so it might be better that way, ur mom being concerned... i know this didn't help u at all, sorry in that case. /xo
ReplyDeleteI know what this is like sweetie, I really do. The best part about all this is that PARENTS DON'T NOTICE! I'm surprised that your mum did. The best thing to do when your parents ask you that is lie. That's basically the only thing that works. I've been doing it since last Sunday... or was it the Sunday before..? Well, anyways, your safest bet is to journey to the pantry or refridgerator every now and then and grab something, it doesn't matter what. You just have to go through the motions and then everything's okay. Well, as okay as it can be I guess... And about the cutting: it sucks, but hey, self-mutilation is my favorite part of my day. It distracts from my stomach growling. Just make sure your cuts aren't anywhere that is easily seen. Mine are on my tummy, my least favorite body part.
ReplyDeleteStay strong sweetie! You will be beautiful!
Violet