she will be my friend.

Why is it that the simplest, easiest things are the most hardest to do?

Mum - 'Can I get you something to eat darling?'
Me - 'No thanks I've already eaten.'

On the way to Topshop and smelling the aroma of chips and vinegar from the chippy.
Just carry on walking.

Friend - 'I was thinking shall us girls go out for dinner tonight, have a catch up?'
Me - 'Ah well I am pretty skint at the moment, how about I join you afterwards for a drink?'

Mum - 'We are going to order pizza tonight for dinner, do you want some?'
Me - 'No thanks I'm not really hungry.'

Friend - 'Let all go out and get smashed tonight?!!'
Me - 'Not feeling to great so how about I drive?'

Paying for petrol and the packet of minstrels catch my eye and start calling me.
Look away, look away, pay for the petrol and go.


It is so simple to get out of situations to stop me from consuming urgh amount of calories so why is it so difficult to actually do! I have complete control over what I say and what I do so why is it that sometimes it feels like I have no control what so ever? Its crazy.

I am so unhappy with pretty much every aspect of my life. My family got torn apart last year so that side of things are awful, I am dreading xmas, it used to be such a fun, enjoyable happy time but now it is the complete opposite, no big family xmas's, no family xmas films on xmas eve, no being woke up and stupid hours by my little brother and sister and waiting for my dad to check whether santa has been and having to put on xmas music and lighting a fire before we are allowed to go in the living room. I miss it so much.

I have just applied for uni but I am just waiting to get rejected from them all, probably a certainty. My best friends are all cosy and happy with their boyfriends lately, yet theres me all alone still. The boy I liked turned around not to be who I thought he was, think there was just a biggg bit of leading me on going on. I guess its true, the bad guys lie to get in your bed and the good guys lie to get into your heart. The good guys always hurt the most though. Surely theres absolutely no hope when even the good guys screw you over? Hey what can I expect though, hes a guy, guys screw you over. Why can I not find someone that isn't like every other boy? I thought I found the exception to that with C but I was majorly wrong. I hate being alone, it's a feeling that i just can't seem to shift, I will be sitting there and just randomly burst into tears I hate being so emotional but I cannot help it. This is why I need Ana. I know she won't let me feel alone, she will be there for me, help me to get what I want. But I have a long way to go till I'm worthy of being her friend, I know that and I will do what I need, she seems like my sorta girl, the best friend I've been waiting for.


xoxo