your average diary.

About a month ago I got my mum to book me in to see a clairvoyant, someone who has the ability to communicate with those who have passed over. I have always been quite curious since my dad died about going but never really got round to it and well now that I was going australia I thought it would be a good time. I can't explain how scared I was about going, me and my dad didn't have the greatest relationship, he was an alcoholic and I basically resented him for that and gave up on him. Didn't want anything to do with him and didn't really see him for months up to when he died. He died on the 17th January and the last time I saw him was boxing day and that was literally just me sitting in the living room, he came to the house to pick my little brother and sister up and popped his head in the room and said hello, I turned around, said hi and then faced back towards the tv ... never in a million years did I think that would be the last time i would see him. And to make things even worse the last real thing apart from hi I said to him was through text, my birthday is in October and well he was disappeared for a few weeks, no one knew where he was and then leading up to my birthday when we found out where he was, staying at some hotel, and my sister was in contact with him and he had asked her to ask me what I wanted for my birthday, well I told her nothing but I text him saying 'the best present you can give me is to come back and be a dad to C & A (my little brother and sister) before they are old enough to realise what a waste of space you are'......and it breaks my heart now to think I could have said anything like that...and never be able to take it back, or send another text or give him a hug and say sorry...and weell since I have completey lost my way since he has gone and realised what an amazing dad he was and how much he loved us all and that I should have done better, I should have stuck by him and helped him through it, I thought that maybe he had seen that and I would get some sort of message to let me know he had forgiven me and that he loved me. But....no. I got to the womans house to be told she wasn't in and that I wasnt in her diary ?? I got upset but I thought okay never mind and my mum found someone else that had been recommended,,,so we booked her....I went there monday ..and guess what, her daughter answered the door and told me she was in hospital and had to cancel all appointments. As you could imagine I couldnt believe it, I was distraught....it happening once is bad but twice, thats just a sign. I decided I did not want to do it again, no way, I was obviously not meant to go, but still my mum went behind my back and booked someone else but I refused point blank I was not doing it..she tried to talk me round, my sister did but I threw a number of hissy fits, I just generally wasnt interested anymore....if he had had a message for me or wanted me to go then one of the first 2 would have worked, I wouldnt have had to try 3!

Well anyway my mum and sister had a reading instead...and on my sisters one the lady had mentioned about a tall girl, short brown hair, (well this could be my auntie, my cousin, or me I guess but my hairs not really short) and that she is hiding something...as soon as she said that I was like oh my god dont mention food, or sick, or anything do with this, but she didn't just that it might not b bad but it might be something she wants to talk about so let her know you are there for her.

And then my mum, she asked my mum if she had any questions and my mum asked 'will I be okay (as in me)' (generally meanin tht shes scared for me when I go australiaa) and she turned over a card and it was the king, basically saying maybe the head of the family, a male member and that he is going to b with her ..or something, I told her to stop I didnt want to hear anymore, arghhh its gettin me all upset now even typing all this..so im gonna stop now! This blog is becoming more and more just like a diary for me...not so much about weight loss generaly because its just not happening, will it ever happen!