ordinary girl.

yess hello..fatty here..still.

2 weeks tomorrow now till i go to australia! not sure if I have mentioned it, decided a couple of months ago I wanted to get away, go travelling, its a now or never sort of thing. So yess it has come around so quick, getting more scared rather than excited at the moment but the thing that is making me excited is the idea of coming home a brand new me. I will not be coming back until I am a brand new me.

Story time..well I had this boy who was pretty much my best friend..I went to nursery school with him but didn't really start getting close to him til upper school when we were like 13 or 14 or something. And well he is just amazing, the sort of friend everyone needs, always there when you need him and couldn't find someone better to make you laugh..we had so many arguements but just over stupid things like him smoking or drinking too much..silly fights that would last like what a day maybe. Well that all stopped when he got a girlfriend, before it was like me and him..I was the girl he was the boy just without all the relationship stuff obviously but his girlfriend took a dislike to how close we were and well that was that..we started drifting. Then this happened again with his next girlfriend. But after this second one we got close again, really got our friendship back and I was so happy. As they say happiness never lasts and he met another girl .. and well despite all the 'i won't let it happen again's', guess what? It happened again. This time it was a lot more permanent,,,and it generally started when I rang him on new years 2 years back to wish him happy new years and she refused to let me talk to him. We wern't at school anymore so I didn't see him much anyway but that was it, we had stopped talking. Then a few weeks later was when my dad died....and its like the one person I needed to see was him, he had known all about the issues with my dad and he himself nearly lost his own dad so also the one person that could understand what I was feeling. I ended up walking to his house but he wasn't in..and then walking home I saw his car and well I told him and he just hugged me and I felt so safe..and he rang me that night speaking into all hours just to make sure I was okay. We started talking again over the next week or two..he really helped try to hold things together for me but then again that didn't last long..his girlfriend soon took over again. I would see him out and he would ignore me..every now and again he would email me, but obviously from his work email so she didn't know..he'd deleted my number, deleted my facebook, the whole works. It bascially got that stupid that he even denyed down the phone to me things that we had done, like emailing and going out for coffee when my dad had died, all because he didn't want his girlfriend knowing. At first I actually used to cry just thinking about it, how I'd lost like my best friend, the boy I would turn to about anything was gone, his girlfriend even had the cheek to tell me I shouldn't be so dependent on someone as I was with him..what did she know. But when he lyed to me that was sort of the last straw, that he would even go to the length of lying to me to make me look like I was causing trouble just to save his own skin.

Anyway to cut a very long story short, even thouugh its long anyway him and this girl split up and we have started talking again. He has apoligised so much for the way things happened and even though I swore I could never forgive him, I have found myself forgiving him. I know he is sorry and has promised to never let it happen again, and to be honest I just love having him back so I guess the only option is too believe him. He is however started seeing this girl already and it's just in the back of my mind like waiting for a re-run..I want him to be happy but why should being happy mean dumping friends.

I can tell you something, if none of this had went on I reckon he would have known all about my issues, all about this crazy world im in right now, I definatly could have used him the past couple of years, needed him. But now we are talking again I keep wanting to tell him, to have someone to talk to, I just can't bring myself too. What if he just thinks Im some insane freak with problems and wants nothing to do with it, or what if he tells other people. Before I could have trusted him with my life but after everything that happened I just don't know.

Well my mum will be in soon so I'll update later about me anyway ..not that there is much to report. xxx