Well on a positive note this morning I was 164 so I have lost 2lbs since I have been back, I am so ready to lose so much more. I went out last night, it was a really good night but then ended up with the drunken munchies and having a subway..BUT me and my friend ended up picking up the wrong ones so when I went to eat it when I got home it had sweetcorn and ketchup in it which I don't like so wahhlay that was lucky..saved me from consuming those calories. Today my mum made cottage pie but afterwards I just felt really bloated so I turned the shower on and purged..feels so nice when you can just feel an empty stomach after feeling so full.

Ahhhhh it's my ex's birthday today and I text him just to say happy birthday but didn't expect a reply but he has just text back saying thank you, hows things been going...and I just went all weak. After all this time I still feel this way and I hate it..I hate how he can control how I feel. I havn't had a boyfriend since him and we split up over a year ago..I have met people but I think they are just coming in 2nd place to him which is why I seem so fussy..arghh. If you follow my blog you probably would have seen me mention him before..he is the one that split up with his gf to be with me but then after about 4 months splits up with me and gets back with her..but still carried on seeing me behind her back (bad of me I know but I couldn't help it)..it wasn't a long relationship but it was my longest and my most intense, we both just got eachother and even now when I see him I just know the way he looks at me he still gets me. But his gf is so skinny, definatly a small size 6, and of course blonde and pretty. But soo skinny, this is one reason I want to lose all this weight, maybe I'll have another chance? Maybe i'll be worthy of him then? I just miss him. And he will see that when I am thin.

Take care ladies x x x

really though...

Well fatty is back. And I wish I had never gone. Somehow in a week I have managed to gain 5 lbs.. that is disgusting and I am disgusted with myself. When I left I am 161 and am now back up to 166..feel like I am going to throw up. Everyday was a massive buffet morning lunch and evening with every type of food and dessert you could think of....I never had breakfast but lunch and dinner there would always be something that would attract me and id stupidly eat it...I managed to go back to the room and purge a few times but it was hard to get rid of my friends. And then everynight we drank too much I guess...because again it was all inclusive..cocktails..cherry brandy..ammeretto..arghh I'm so angry right now. 65pound was amazing for a holiday in cyprus but basically I have just paid to put on a lot of weight..if I hadn't of gone I should of been in the 150's by now. I am sorry to everyone that gives me the support and especially Imperfections that always seems to help push me forward, I have let you all dowwn majorly and myself. I need to get bqack on track bigtime.

Sorry ladies, I hope your weeks went a whole lot better than mine xxx

byee england :)

hiiiii beautts .. im on my phonee so this will be a quick post because it keeps buggering up..im off to the airport in about 7 hours at 4am so thought id say byeee. I was 161.5 this morningg..so I'm hoping to come back from cyprus weighing in the 150's .. fingers crossssed! I'll make sure I spend most the holiday swimming rather than eating and drinking! I'm gettin excitedd now..all finishd packing so I'm going to finish watching brit awards and then get a little bit a sleep before our longgggg journey to gatwick!

Hope you are all okay..and I will be back in a week..stay strong and think thin :)

xxxxxx

valentines day..no body care.

Ahh I havn't blogged in what feels like agess and I'm afraid to say not much to report. Well I went back to london for the week on sunday to help the family out where I was au-pairing before as the new girl that came didn't work out. They askd me to come back permantly but I turned it down, I just don't feel comfortable in somebody elses home, plus the pay was awful! So they found someone else but couldn't start till yesterday so I said I would come back until she could come. Got back friday, weighed myself and I was 163 exactly stilllll....I'm abit annoyed considering the amount of exercise I got walking up and down this hill pushin a twin buggy pretty much every day of the week..which was torture for my legs but then I guess I should just be grateful I havn't gained.

Also I am jet setting off to cyprus for a week on wednesday!! Real last minute but my friend text me on wednesday asking me if I wanted to go because it was her cousin's holiday but she couldn't go anymore so said we could go and all we had to pay for was to change the name on the tickets and a fee to pick them up at the airport!! So basically it has cost me 65poundd AND its an all inclusive holiday in like a health resort hotel right on the beach in paphos......I cannot wait. Be so good to get away, have a nice relaxing holiday. Just not looking too forward to gettin into a bikini...the weather there is only about 20 which is a lottt hotter than here! But the hotel has an indoor heated pool so I'm guessing we shall be swimming at some pointt.

Today is so depressing. I HATE valentiness day its so rubbbish. Fair enough I probably sound just a bitter girl who has no boyfriend which yes you would be right .. but it is just another day where you're reminded of being singlee and especially horrible when all you can think off is one person who is not thinking about you. Seeing all the loved up statuses on facebook makes meee sickkk..all my best friends tellin me how their boyfriends got them rosess and taking them for dinner and blah blah tbh I couldn't care less...I sound a bitch? Maybeee so. Yes I am single and yes I hate it. But when I am thin, they will see, he will see.

illll

I have got the worst cough I can ever remember having..okay so I probably have had worse but this one is killing me, coughing every 2 minutes is doing my head in..keeps me awake most the night. Along with that I seem to just ache all over my body. Literally I get out of bed and all I want to do in get straight back into to. I physically have no energy or motivation to do absolutely anything so I have been slacking this week on the exercise front, I'll start doing some exercises and stretching in my room but give up after about 5 minutes .. and I can't even imagine walking into the gym right now.

My food intake though I have been happy with, yesterday I had..

- a peach yougart 90 cals

- cup a soup 93 cals

- slimming world chips, peas and carrots 200 cals

383 cals.

Today I have had

- kit kat 107 cals

- apple 45 cals

- slice of pizza and slice of garlic bread 330 cals

482 cals.

And today I am down to 163 lbs, 2 more lbs to go until I lose my first stone!

I really really need to get a job, my mum goes on at me everyday to get a job and I know she is right, I need to get one but I just have no confidence what so ever. People may think that is such a lame excuse my I have no confidence to pick up the phone and ring someone, to go in and have an interview, it is something that I physically find so hard and terrifying. But I know I need to sort it out.

How is evryone else doing?

Stay strong girls xx