stupid me.

Well I can safely say I am losing it. I have mentioned before about cutting but last night whilst I was out I just felt so sick everytime I looked in the mirror I just all of a sudden started stratching at my arm and couldnt stop and now I biggest mark of my arm...which looks like a burn or that ive scraped it bigtime...it looks awful..and is soo sore,,why did I do it??? I go on holiday on friday and I have that now on my arm....as if being fat isnt going to be horrid enough. My mum comes back from her holiday on wednesday..what am I ment to tell her? I burnt myself? Or maybe I'll say that I fell over last night...she would easily believe that..or I might actually just tell her what happened..because to be honest I really don't want to start in the whole self harming routine again..espeically this which I have never done before..Im a mess.

The boy .. 'O' .. the one I have probably spoke about quite often........he split up with his gf..his super skinny blonde gf 'L' and got with me and then not long after he decided to split up with me and got back with her..remember? Well we speak quite alot .. on msn and text and BBM but i havn't spoke to him in person in about a year..we have seen eachother out but never talk ..me and his gf arnt the best of friends as u can guess..well anyway he came round on wednesday as i have a free house. Why Why Why did i let him come round..yes we ended up kissing..alot ..nothing more but still......I can't let this happen again, because when it comes down to it hes just gonna carry on with his happy little life with L and its me that gonna end up getting hurt and I cant take that again ..he said he was gonna come round either 2mro or tuesday but I am gonna say no....we still have such a big spark between us but I know hes never gonna choose me over L .. i mean why would he so I need to stop it before I end up gettin too attached again.

I havnt much to report on the weight loss......I was 165 the other day when I checked..Im still on the binging and purging cycle,, thing is I have started to spit up little bits of blood when I purge lately ?

I just want to be skinny .. thats all i really want. :(

dont be so stupid.

Mum - are you eating properly?
Me - what?
Mum - are you eating properly?
Me - why?
Mum - don't answer a question with a question..
Me - yes ...why?
Mum - your just getting too thin.

Don't be so stupid. Never have I wanted to laugh and cry so much...shut the hell up..I'm not looking anywhere near thin let alone pushing the boat out at too thin. What the hell is she on...it gets me so angry. It should make me happy someone saying that but when I know full damn well it makes no sense it makes me mad. And paranoid...do you think she has come across my blog? Or I havnt cleaned around the toilet properly after I've purged? Or she has heard me? Or she has found my food diary? Surely it has to be one of them considering I am still yet to hit my first loss of one stone target..something must b wrong but then she isn't the sort of person to tip toe around things..its got me wondering now.

I went to visit a friend at uni this weekend..had such a good time..so nice to get away but then the amount of calories I must have consumed in alcohol is disgusting..and you know what else is disgusting..the pictures her uni friends took and plastered on facebook. I actually look morbidly obese..no jokes..my legs look massive..my arms look enormas..my boobs..eurgghh I hate my boobs, why can't I have small boobs and not huge things that makes clothes look horrid on me. I literally hate every part of my body..and my face..why can't I ever take nice photos and be photogenic..why does the camera hate me so much. God I hate me so much..my height, I think that is the only thing I like about me.

A lot has gone on lately with this guy..I've mentiond him before..S, complete dickhead that mucks me around, calls himelf a 'player' and is pretty proud by that..well once again I fell for his niceness and once again he screwd me over and dropped me......I knew he would so why did I even let him..possibly the biggest mug going. I seem to only go for the bad boys..the ones I know are gonna hurt me and mess me around and I have no idea why. But wedsnsday after me and S had arrangd to go cinema but then he decides that morning we shouldn't go as 'i feel if I get close to you again I will want you and I will fuck you about, that is what I do and I don't need a girl in my life atm, sorry' .....what?! Its been arranged like a week..n we had been txtin evry day, why leave it til that mroning to put that on me..I'm sure u would have thought that sometime before....he makes me so mad. if I wasn't so fat and so ugly id be okay, guys wouldn't need to give me excuses like that but I am and so well I don't blame him. The way he handles things isn't right I will admit that but not wanting to meet up..to be with me..is perfectly understandle. And actually me writing this now its making more and more sense..and I don't seem to hate him so much, he is a dick yes but also he's just a boy that wants a pretty girl, a pretty thin girl and I can't hate him for that.

Well I am actually going to sleep now with a much clearer head..not as much anger for him but more for me..but that I can handle, wrong ways of handling maybe but its my way. Night x x

i want to be beautiful.

What do you do when you literally have no enery to smile anymore?

I don't know what to do, lately I just have been feeling so down and I just can't seem to bring myself back up. I feel like I am going to burst into tears at any point during the day, during the night..pretty much all the time. As you can guess the weight isn't budging, I physically feel sick when I look in the mirror. I bought fake tan yesterday and I couldn't even do that right, I have black hands and patchy legs.. had my hair cut yesterday too which I hate, there is too many short layers at the top and not enough near the bottom so it looks stupid and its too short .. why does everything have to go wrong at once.

Was meant to be going to a party tonight but ended up changing my mind, 1) because I look more of a state then usual after the fake tan ... 2) I look a fat cow in whatever I wear.. and 3) my ex wil be there with his perfect gf and then also guy that I like so because of 1 and 2 I would rather not like them seeing me. I asked 2 of my best friends that wern't going if they wanted to go cinema instead but nopes they are with their boyfriends, no shock there..so once again it's me on my own. I could be out getting drunk with my friends but I just don't think I could face it..I hate the idea of everyone looking at me...I get so paranoid thinking people are laughing and judging and mocking me, I wish I didn't but I always end up getting so upset thinking people are.

Ah well I am going to stop with the depressive rant........supposed to be going out tomorrow too for one of my girls birthdays..guess I can't get out of that one too..going to pizza express first which I am no way eating a lot .. I might just say I feel ill but I'll soon recover for the drinking as I think a very heavy night is needed.

Why can't I just be a normal happy girl with a normal happy life and a perect figure and a perfect boyfriend who would do anything for me...........ahh you've got to dream sometimes.

♥

Well the past few days have been such a mix of emotions..such a blur. My sister went into hospital on saturday evening to be induced as her waters broke on the friday .. so me and mum were there in the waiting room........22 hours we spend in that hospital!!! She had a little girl at 9.40pm on sunday..the longest wait of my life but definatly worth it, she is amazing ♥ so so amazing and beautiful. Then today I had to go to a funeral, my mums cousin..I thought I would be fine, that I wouldn't cry but I definatly made a mistake in going. I know it has been 2 years since my dad died but it was way too soon for something like that, when his daughter read a piece of writing she had done I just couldn't stop crying, it just all came flooding back. So hard to go from such a happy weekend, becoming an auntie to the most beautiful little girl to today which was very painful and upsetting.

However the 22 hours spend in the hospital didn't too anything for me, I feel disgusting saying this but there was nothing to do but eat. I was literally forced to eat just to stay awake, stuff myself with crappy vending machine foods...soo yes you can understand that I shall not be stepping on those scales anytime soon.

Anyway I have work tomorrow 8-6 so I should get some sleep, just after I finish watching 90210...I have a week off next week and can't wait to spend lots of time with my baby nieceee ♥ x x

time to leave.

I'm pretty sure I propbably repeat myself so much on this thing and I apologise for that but why is it that whenever I have done well I always go and ruin it.....I was so happy to nearly be in the 150s but then I have to go and be a binge beast..why do that to myself! Now back up to 164 :|


Such a fat bitch. Fat Fat Fat. Urghhhhhhhhhhhh.

Why can't I have someone in my life that knows what I am going through..that wanted to help me or just at least be there to cushion the blow when I have these moods and all these emotions..to just hold me and say I can get throughh this and do it..I can be skinny..why do I have to hide all this f
rom everyone? Oh I know because they would tell me I'm stupid..they would look at me as if something was wrong with me..like I was in another world..which I guess I am, I'm in a world where skinny is the only way..perfection is the only way there is and I have to get there. I just have to.

This fat bitch has gotta go .. I have got to leave her behind, as far behind as I can..she needs to let me go.

blinked for a second then you caught me slipping.

I think this is the first post I have done in a while in which I am in a happy mood! And its such a sunnnny day..so I am going to treat you beautiful ladies to some thinspo :) Ahhh Esmee and Chipmunks song has just come on too .. I'm loving it right now.

I love the first picture..not sure why but adore what she is wearing..even though it's nothing special..it's my sort of style just obvs looks so much better on her!

Well I am very glad to report back to you guys that this morning my scales said 161.8 :) which come as much suprise considering I went out last night and drank so so much BUT didn't give in to my drunken munch cravings..was very pleased. I was however on the dancefloor most of the night so I guess that did me good! I have been doing really good lately I think with my intake..when Im at work I tend to just have an apple or 2 in my lunchbreak and then I have dinner when I get home..and yesterday all I had was an apple in the morning and then I told my mum I had a subway when I popped into town (which is easily believeable..I was once a subway addict) because otherwise she would have made me eat before I go out to line my stomach blah blah blah ..hummm helllo mum I do not want to go out with a fat bloated stomach thank you very much..however I grabbed a small slice of french stick just before I left to go to my friends because it was so softtt ..naughty I know!

Anyway so I am back to what I was before I went on holiday last month and this timee it is not gonna go back up...I shalll make it into the 150's by the end of next week...hopefully but like wednesday, going to make sure I go to gym tomorrow after work ..urggggh monday's I work 8-6 :( .. but I will try my hardest to still go however tired I am..we shall see!

Hugs and kisssses to you all :) x x x

wow .. the girl on supersize vs superskinny... 79 poundss..BMI of 15...she looks amazing. Yet she hates it..I don't really understand that, how I would kill to look like that. Then the supersizer..23 stones..actually making me want to be sick.

Still on 164.....getting bored of that number now. Ive started going to the gym again more often so just waiting for the number to go down..hurrrry pleaseeeeeeeee.