once upon a time

There was a boy. I've known him since I was about 13 when he was a youth club helper at the youth club I went too and it was my first 'older guy' crush, he was amazing. Now seven years later we still talk and for the last like year we talk pretty much every day texting, we meet up go for a drink, I go to the same gym as him so we have started training together and I think I am falling way to deep again. Thats a problem of mine, I fall deep, everytime. But....he has a girlfriend, they have been together about 4 years now but he tells me he cannot see them going anywhere but still doesn't change the fact they are together. What can I say though, he is one of those genuinely nice guys, I know that sounds a cliche because it barely happens but seriously he is one. I can't do anything about it though, if he felt the same way as me he wouldn't be with his girlfriend surely? And I don't want to tell him how I feel because to ruin our friendship would kill me, I have no control over something that is all I can think about and it is so frustrating. But my weight..I have control over that, I can change that which may change his views on me? If he see's a thin girl instead of what he see's now I may be in with a chance right? Maybe, maybe not, but it is as hell worth a chance I know it is.

Me and him, C, where at the gym yesterday and I found it so weird how he stepped on the scales after our workout hoping that it had gone up. I can't ever imagining wanting to see the numbers go up on a scale?! I know guys like to have muscles and be 'hench' but I do find it strange how two minds can want the complete opposite.

Saturday I fasted all day until about 7pm my mum literally forced me to eat something as I was going out and she wouldn't let me go without lining my stomach so in the end I settled for some pasta shapes which were 110 calories. I don't even know why I bothered fasting because I went out and got pretty drunk so god knows how many calories I consumed then and to top it off I had a subway melt on the way home at like 3am......drunken munchies are the worst! So Sunday morning I was up again to 172 : This morning though after fasting Monday and gyming it I am back down to 168 and I need to carry on going down, I do not want to be in the 170's anymore, never. I've got to do this.

My mums making me make cottage pie tonight and I can't get out of eating it because it used to be my favourite but it is a slimming world recipe so its 350 calories and it's all I will be having all day so I guess not too bad. I think she is noticing I am not eating as much, every time she gets in from work or I get in from somewhere it is always 'what have you had to eat?' 'what did you have for lunch?' 'what you having for dinner?' , she may of used to always asked these questions but I am noticing it more now and I know what I am telling her are lieslieslie and I feel bad but somethings are less important now, being thin is all I should be focusing on. A big thank you too all you girls with your incredible support and comments, whenever I feel the urge to eat I come on here and look at your comments and your blogs and it pushes me too stay strong, you are all amazing.

Thin is beautiful, even thinner is perfection. ♥