your average diary.

About a month ago I got my mum to book me in to see a clairvoyant, someone who has the ability to communicate with those who have passed over. I have always been quite curious since my dad died about going but never really got round to it and well now that I was going australia I thought it would be a good time. I can't explain how scared I was about going, me and my dad didn't have the greatest relationship, he was an alcoholic and I basically resented him for that and gave up on him. Didn't want anything to do with him and didn't really see him for months up to when he died. He died on the 17th January and the last time I saw him was boxing day and that was literally just me sitting in the living room, he came to the house to pick my little brother and sister up and popped his head in the room and said hello, I turned around, said hi and then faced back towards the tv ... never in a million years did I think that would be the last time i would see him. And to make things even worse the last real thing apart from hi I said to him was through text, my birthday is in October and well he was disappeared for a few weeks, no one knew where he was and then leading up to my birthday when we found out where he was, staying at some hotel, and my sister was in contact with him and he had asked her to ask me what I wanted for my birthday, well I told her nothing but I text him saying 'the best present you can give me is to come back and be a dad to C & A (my little brother and sister) before they are old enough to realise what a waste of space you are'......and it breaks my heart now to think I could have said anything like that...and never be able to take it back, or send another text or give him a hug and say sorry...and weell since I have completey lost my way since he has gone and realised what an amazing dad he was and how much he loved us all and that I should have done better, I should have stuck by him and helped him through it, I thought that maybe he had seen that and I would get some sort of message to let me know he had forgiven me and that he loved me. But....no. I got to the womans house to be told she wasn't in and that I wasnt in her diary ?? I got upset but I thought okay never mind and my mum found someone else that had been recommended,,,so we booked her....I went there monday ..and guess what, her daughter answered the door and told me she was in hospital and had to cancel all appointments. As you could imagine I couldnt believe it, I was distraught....it happening once is bad but twice, thats just a sign. I decided I did not want to do it again, no way, I was obviously not meant to go, but still my mum went behind my back and booked someone else but I refused point blank I was not doing it..she tried to talk me round, my sister did but I threw a number of hissy fits, I just generally wasnt interested anymore....if he had had a message for me or wanted me to go then one of the first 2 would have worked, I wouldnt have had to try 3!

Well anyway my mum and sister had a reading instead...and on my sisters one the lady had mentioned about a tall girl, short brown hair, (well this could be my auntie, my cousin, or me I guess but my hairs not really short) and that she is hiding something...as soon as she said that I was like oh my god dont mention food, or sick, or anything do with this, but she didn't just that it might not b bad but it might be something she wants to talk about so let her know you are there for her.

And then my mum, she asked my mum if she had any questions and my mum asked 'will I be okay (as in me)' (generally meanin tht shes scared for me when I go australiaa) and she turned over a card and it was the king, basically saying maybe the head of the family, a male member and that he is going to b with her ..or something, I told her to stop I didnt want to hear anymore, arghhh its gettin me all upset now even typing all this..so im gonna stop now! This blog is becoming more and more just like a diary for me...not so much about weight loss generaly because its just not happening, will it ever happen!

I'm back again...right what's been going on with me. Nothing..still looking beastly, as of today I was 165..stupid stupid me..when am I going to start to disappear?

Lately all I have been doing is purging...I know that cycle never ends good but over the last couple of weeks I have been doing it so regularly that whenever I eat something I physically feel sick and its needs to come out, the feeling of having food in my stomach apart from feeling disgusting feels strange now. As you can tell from the lack of weight loss it really isn't doing much for me...I need to stop letting food enter my mouth altogether.

Anyway I'm off to sleep, my alarm will b going off for work in 7 hours :( ..but then as soon as the clock hits 6pm tomorrow its officially my birthday weekend, and I plan on getting very messy. Tomorrow night I'm out with the girls just locally and then Saturday we are going up to cambridge and stayin up there for the night again getin messy..and then Sunday is my birthday, the big 21..getting old...and me and my family are going out for a meal..I like the family part just not the meal part...hopefully ill be so hungover I won't b able to face food. Actually I hate the hungover feeling so oo I might have to just man up and have something..we shall see.

Have a lovely weekend everyone x x x

ordinary girl.

yess hello..fatty here..still.

2 weeks tomorrow now till i go to australia! not sure if I have mentioned it, decided a couple of months ago I wanted to get away, go travelling, its a now or never sort of thing. So yess it has come around so quick, getting more scared rather than excited at the moment but the thing that is making me excited is the idea of coming home a brand new me. I will not be coming back until I am a brand new me.

Story time..well I had this boy who was pretty much my best friend..I went to nursery school with him but didn't really start getting close to him til upper school when we were like 13 or 14 or something. And well he is just amazing, the sort of friend everyone needs, always there when you need him and couldn't find someone better to make you laugh..we had so many arguements but just over stupid things like him smoking or drinking too much..silly fights that would last like what a day maybe. Well that all stopped when he got a girlfriend, before it was like me and him..I was the girl he was the boy just without all the relationship stuff obviously but his girlfriend took a dislike to how close we were and well that was that..we started drifting. Then this happened again with his next girlfriend. But after this second one we got close again, really got our friendship back and I was so happy. As they say happiness never lasts and he met another girl .. and well despite all the 'i won't let it happen again's', guess what? It happened again. This time it was a lot more permanent,,,and it generally started when I rang him on new years 2 years back to wish him happy new years and she refused to let me talk to him. We wern't at school anymore so I didn't see him much anyway but that was it, we had stopped talking. Then a few weeks later was when my dad died....and its like the one person I needed to see was him, he had known all about the issues with my dad and he himself nearly lost his own dad so also the one person that could understand what I was feeling. I ended up walking to his house but he wasn't in..and then walking home I saw his car and well I told him and he just hugged me and I felt so safe..and he rang me that night speaking into all hours just to make sure I was okay. We started talking again over the next week or two..he really helped try to hold things together for me but then again that didn't last long..his girlfriend soon took over again. I would see him out and he would ignore me..every now and again he would email me, but obviously from his work email so she didn't know..he'd deleted my number, deleted my facebook, the whole works. It bascially got that stupid that he even denyed down the phone to me things that we had done, like emailing and going out for coffee when my dad had died, all because he didn't want his girlfriend knowing. At first I actually used to cry just thinking about it, how I'd lost like my best friend, the boy I would turn to about anything was gone, his girlfriend even had the cheek to tell me I shouldn't be so dependent on someone as I was with him..what did she know. But when he lyed to me that was sort of the last straw, that he would even go to the length of lying to me to make me look like I was causing trouble just to save his own skin.

Anyway to cut a very long story short, even thouugh its long anyway him and this girl split up and we have started talking again. He has apoligised so much for the way things happened and even though I swore I could never forgive him, I have found myself forgiving him. I know he is sorry and has promised to never let it happen again, and to be honest I just love having him back so I guess the only option is too believe him. He is however started seeing this girl already and it's just in the back of my mind like waiting for a re-run..I want him to be happy but why should being happy mean dumping friends.

I can tell you something, if none of this had went on I reckon he would have known all about my issues, all about this crazy world im in right now, I definatly could have used him the past couple of years, needed him. But now we are talking again I keep wanting to tell him, to have someone to talk to, I just can't bring myself too. What if he just thinks Im some insane freak with problems and wants nothing to do with it, or what if he tells other people. Before I could have trusted him with my life but after everything that happened I just don't know.

Well my mum will be in soon so I'll update later about me anyway ..not that there is much to report. xxx

long time still fat

hiii everybody, well it has been a while! I got back from holiday last week, so just been trying to get back in the swing of reality and isn't it horrible. Truth be told reality sucks, especially after 2 weeks in the sun...id much rather live in my dreams or even better create my own life..choose things I want by just ticking boxes..

❒ Fat
✔ Skinny
❒ Ugly
✔ Pretty

Yes please?

I actually thought I may lose whilst I was on holiday, I mean all I used to eat was dinner in the evening, maybe a slice of toast evry now and again...and I would swim laps everyday, and surely when you sunbath and sweat alot that helps? Obviously not. Once a fatty always a fatty. I came home 2lbs heavier than I was when I left. It should make you determined to lose it but when I have a sense of failure it just seems to make me fail that little bit more..and more. And I actually collapsed on holiday, I bloody hurt my head but I loved it, it was probably more the fact I had too much sun along with not enough food and water but I had a sense of emptyness and lightheadedness and felt good. I was sunbathing and I stood up to walk inside the villa and just as I was gettin to the door I started to black out, I thought I will try make it to the bench next to the door but couldn't so just stood there whilst it faded out but then all of a sudden I could just feel myself falling backwards and could just hear my sister in the background like 'what are you doing?' and then all I felt was the thump on the back of my head where I had fell back against the wall and then the blackout went and there I am sitting on the floor and my sister is just in hysterics. I had an egg on the back of my head for a good week!

Anyway here are a few photos of the view from the villas, it is lovely. And then also a couple of fatty pictures for you..my huge thighs and beastly belly..but my tan was sort of looking good! Look at those pictures and realise you don't want to look like that!

Hope you are all well xx

motivation.

Thin enough to float away ♥
I am never going to get 'O' back until I am thin. Until I have lost all this fat that is clinging on to me. And I want him back..I need him back. I need to feel the way I feel when I am with him. Nobody understands. Everyone lectures me that he is not what I need, that I am being taken for a mug (he has a gf..a superskinny blonde gf)...but they don't get it, they don't understand how he makes me feel. Two years on and he still gives me butterflies everytime we talk, makes me feel something I have never felt with any other guy..surely that must mean something? They tell me to let him go but I can't, I physically cannot. I will get him back one day .. when I am thin and worthy of him.....if love isn't the key movtivation then what is.

Sooo I have decided to try out the lemon dextox diet agaain..my mum was against it last time but do you know what, I don't care. I have bought a new bottle of the syrup since my mum threw away my last one....she can really think again if she considers losing me another £40! Ive just finishd my first cup of the day and you know what, I actually enjoyed it! The last time i did this, well attempted this I could not stand it but thats because I was doing it with just cold water but today I have used hot water boiled in the kettle and it was lovely :) .. fingers crossed this is gonna do something! I decided to give it a go aagain after reading it on A Journey to Bones blog....I'll tell you what people you should follow her, she and her blog are amazing :) http://ajourneytobones.blogspot.com

BUT ... the scales have gone from the kitchen I noticed this morning,,I havnt weighed myself in about a week but wanted to know my weight before I started this (my mum has her slimming world scaless in the kitchen, they are gooood so I only really use those)....so then I went to my bathroom to use the crappy ones, anything is better then nothing BUT they wernt there either?! ..I looked in the family bathroom,,no, my mums bathroom, no? Where the hell are the scales!!! Hmmmmm.

The weather here is horribbble today so here is some summer thinspo for you all :)

diet pills???

a 3 letter word sums up this post.. F-A-T.

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT.

When is ana going to find me..why is mia not helping me..why do I feel so alone.

I need your help..does anyone know any diet pills and work,,that you've tried and work..remember I'm from england.

Every bit of fat that is covering up my beautiful skeleton frame needs shifting..needs to go.

Now its time to get serious.

stupid me.

Well I can safely say I am losing it. I have mentioned before about cutting but last night whilst I was out I just felt so sick everytime I looked in the mirror I just all of a sudden started stratching at my arm and couldnt stop and now I biggest mark of my arm...which looks like a burn or that ive scraped it bigtime...it looks awful..and is soo sore,,why did I do it??? I go on holiday on friday and I have that now on my arm....as if being fat isnt going to be horrid enough. My mum comes back from her holiday on wednesday..what am I ment to tell her? I burnt myself? Or maybe I'll say that I fell over last night...she would easily believe that..or I might actually just tell her what happened..because to be honest I really don't want to start in the whole self harming routine again..espeically this which I have never done before..Im a mess.

The boy .. 'O' .. the one I have probably spoke about quite often........he split up with his gf..his super skinny blonde gf 'L' and got with me and then not long after he decided to split up with me and got back with her..remember? Well we speak quite alot .. on msn and text and BBM but i havn't spoke to him in person in about a year..we have seen eachother out but never talk ..me and his gf arnt the best of friends as u can guess..well anyway he came round on wednesday as i have a free house. Why Why Why did i let him come round..yes we ended up kissing..alot ..nothing more but still......I can't let this happen again, because when it comes down to it hes just gonna carry on with his happy little life with L and its me that gonna end up getting hurt and I cant take that again ..he said he was gonna come round either 2mro or tuesday but I am gonna say no....we still have such a big spark between us but I know hes never gonna choose me over L .. i mean why would he so I need to stop it before I end up gettin too attached again.

I havnt much to report on the weight loss......I was 165 the other day when I checked..Im still on the binging and purging cycle,, thing is I have started to spit up little bits of blood when I purge lately ?

I just want to be skinny .. thats all i really want. :(

dont be so stupid.

Mum - are you eating properly?
Me - what?
Mum - are you eating properly?
Me - why?
Mum - don't answer a question with a question..
Me - yes ...why?
Mum - your just getting too thin.

Don't be so stupid. Never have I wanted to laugh and cry so much...shut the hell up..I'm not looking anywhere near thin let alone pushing the boat out at too thin. What the hell is she on...it gets me so angry. It should make me happy someone saying that but when I know full damn well it makes no sense it makes me mad. And paranoid...do you think she has come across my blog? Or I havnt cleaned around the toilet properly after I've purged? Or she has heard me? Or she has found my food diary? Surely it has to be one of them considering I am still yet to hit my first loss of one stone target..something must b wrong but then she isn't the sort of person to tip toe around things..its got me wondering now.

I went to visit a friend at uni this weekend..had such a good time..so nice to get away but then the amount of calories I must have consumed in alcohol is disgusting..and you know what else is disgusting..the pictures her uni friends took and plastered on facebook. I actually look morbidly obese..no jokes..my legs look massive..my arms look enormas..my boobs..eurgghh I hate my boobs, why can't I have small boobs and not huge things that makes clothes look horrid on me. I literally hate every part of my body..and my face..why can't I ever take nice photos and be photogenic..why does the camera hate me so much. God I hate me so much..my height, I think that is the only thing I like about me.

A lot has gone on lately with this guy..I've mentiond him before..S, complete dickhead that mucks me around, calls himelf a 'player' and is pretty proud by that..well once again I fell for his niceness and once again he screwd me over and dropped me......I knew he would so why did I even let him..possibly the biggest mug going. I seem to only go for the bad boys..the ones I know are gonna hurt me and mess me around and I have no idea why. But wedsnsday after me and S had arrangd to go cinema but then he decides that morning we shouldn't go as 'i feel if I get close to you again I will want you and I will fuck you about, that is what I do and I don't need a girl in my life atm, sorry' .....what?! Its been arranged like a week..n we had been txtin evry day, why leave it til that mroning to put that on me..I'm sure u would have thought that sometime before....he makes me so mad. if I wasn't so fat and so ugly id be okay, guys wouldn't need to give me excuses like that but I am and so well I don't blame him. The way he handles things isn't right I will admit that but not wanting to meet up..to be with me..is perfectly understandle. And actually me writing this now its making more and more sense..and I don't seem to hate him so much, he is a dick yes but also he's just a boy that wants a pretty girl, a pretty thin girl and I can't hate him for that.

Well I am actually going to sleep now with a much clearer head..not as much anger for him but more for me..but that I can handle, wrong ways of handling maybe but its my way. Night x x

i want to be beautiful.

What do you do when you literally have no enery to smile anymore?

I don't know what to do, lately I just have been feeling so down and I just can't seem to bring myself back up. I feel like I am going to burst into tears at any point during the day, during the night..pretty much all the time. As you can guess the weight isn't budging, I physically feel sick when I look in the mirror. I bought fake tan yesterday and I couldn't even do that right, I have black hands and patchy legs.. had my hair cut yesterday too which I hate, there is too many short layers at the top and not enough near the bottom so it looks stupid and its too short .. why does everything have to go wrong at once.

Was meant to be going to a party tonight but ended up changing my mind, 1) because I look more of a state then usual after the fake tan ... 2) I look a fat cow in whatever I wear.. and 3) my ex wil be there with his perfect gf and then also guy that I like so because of 1 and 2 I would rather not like them seeing me. I asked 2 of my best friends that wern't going if they wanted to go cinema instead but nopes they are with their boyfriends, no shock there..so once again it's me on my own. I could be out getting drunk with my friends but I just don't think I could face it..I hate the idea of everyone looking at me...I get so paranoid thinking people are laughing and judging and mocking me, I wish I didn't but I always end up getting so upset thinking people are.

Ah well I am going to stop with the depressive rant........supposed to be going out tomorrow too for one of my girls birthdays..guess I can't get out of that one too..going to pizza express first which I am no way eating a lot .. I might just say I feel ill but I'll soon recover for the drinking as I think a very heavy night is needed.

Why can't I just be a normal happy girl with a normal happy life and a perect figure and a perfect boyfriend who would do anything for me...........ahh you've got to dream sometimes.

♥

Well the past few days have been such a mix of emotions..such a blur. My sister went into hospital on saturday evening to be induced as her waters broke on the friday .. so me and mum were there in the waiting room........22 hours we spend in that hospital!!! She had a little girl at 9.40pm on sunday..the longest wait of my life but definatly worth it, she is amazing ♥ so so amazing and beautiful. Then today I had to go to a funeral, my mums cousin..I thought I would be fine, that I wouldn't cry but I definatly made a mistake in going. I know it has been 2 years since my dad died but it was way too soon for something like that, when his daughter read a piece of writing she had done I just couldn't stop crying, it just all came flooding back. So hard to go from such a happy weekend, becoming an auntie to the most beautiful little girl to today which was very painful and upsetting.

However the 22 hours spend in the hospital didn't too anything for me, I feel disgusting saying this but there was nothing to do but eat. I was literally forced to eat just to stay awake, stuff myself with crappy vending machine foods...soo yes you can understand that I shall not be stepping on those scales anytime soon.

Anyway I have work tomorrow 8-6 so I should get some sleep, just after I finish watching 90210...I have a week off next week and can't wait to spend lots of time with my baby nieceee ♥ x x

time to leave.

I'm pretty sure I propbably repeat myself so much on this thing and I apologise for that but why is it that whenever I have done well I always go and ruin it.....I was so happy to nearly be in the 150s but then I have to go and be a binge beast..why do that to myself! Now back up to 164 :|


Such a fat bitch. Fat Fat Fat. Urghhhhhhhhhhhh.

Why can't I have someone in my life that knows what I am going through..that wanted to help me or just at least be there to cushion the blow when I have these moods and all these emotions..to just hold me and say I can get throughh this and do it..I can be skinny..why do I have to hide all this f
rom everyone? Oh I know because they would tell me I'm stupid..they would look at me as if something was wrong with me..like I was in another world..which I guess I am, I'm in a world where skinny is the only way..perfection is the only way there is and I have to get there. I just have to.

This fat bitch has gotta go .. I have got to leave her behind, as far behind as I can..she needs to let me go.

blinked for a second then you caught me slipping.

I think this is the first post I have done in a while in which I am in a happy mood! And its such a sunnnny day..so I am going to treat you beautiful ladies to some thinspo :) Ahhh Esmee and Chipmunks song has just come on too .. I'm loving it right now.

I love the first picture..not sure why but adore what she is wearing..even though it's nothing special..it's my sort of style just obvs looks so much better on her!

Well I am very glad to report back to you guys that this morning my scales said 161.8 :) which come as much suprise considering I went out last night and drank so so much BUT didn't give in to my drunken munch cravings..was very pleased. I was however on the dancefloor most of the night so I guess that did me good! I have been doing really good lately I think with my intake..when Im at work I tend to just have an apple or 2 in my lunchbreak and then I have dinner when I get home..and yesterday all I had was an apple in the morning and then I told my mum I had a subway when I popped into town (which is easily believeable..I was once a subway addict) because otherwise she would have made me eat before I go out to line my stomach blah blah blah ..hummm helllo mum I do not want to go out with a fat bloated stomach thank you very much..however I grabbed a small slice of french stick just before I left to go to my friends because it was so softtt ..naughty I know!

Anyway so I am back to what I was before I went on holiday last month and this timee it is not gonna go back up...I shalll make it into the 150's by the end of next week...hopefully but like wednesday, going to make sure I go to gym tomorrow after work ..urggggh monday's I work 8-6 :( .. but I will try my hardest to still go however tired I am..we shall see!

Hugs and kisssses to you all :) x x x