don't label me.

I've been thinking lately and I don't actually know what it is with me, what is wrong with me.

I don't think I have an eating disorder.

I mean if someone was to give me a full dinner I would sit and eat it. Yes I would feel guilty afterwards and if I felt it was too much, if I had way too many calories and I was easily able to purge without people hearing then I would but that doesn't make me bulimic? Some may say I have bulimic tendencies but I can go a week or two without throwing up my insides..however sometimes purging becomes part of a daily routine..I don't know, it changes.

And yes I will happily fast. Fasting rewards us with the feeling of hunger and being able to beat it .. and I love feeling weak and dizzy .. and also beating it.

I'm also proud to say I'm pro-ana. Why do people say that is promoting a disease..nobody should have the right to say they someone shouldn't look how they want to look. So many people look disgusted and act disgusted when on the subject on an eating disorder .. who the hell are you to say it is wrong and they are too thin? I think thin in beautiful and have great respect for the willpower many have to achieve their dream.

I also yes religiously count calories, noting down what I've eaten but again that doesn't catergorize me as having an eating disorder.

All I really know is that thin is what I want to be, perfect is what I want to be and I will do whatever it takes to achieve that. Whether that be exercising daily, restricting or not eating at all..I will get there and nothing will stop me.

Thin is the goal, the destination. Thin is beautiful.

I want to see protuding, beautiful bones and I will get there even if it kills me.

I just don't want to be labelled for that because I don't see what is wrong with it.

Thin is beautiful.

Also I hope everyone has a lovely christmas, be strong. x x x

stupid snow.

Woke up Saturday morning, got on the scales and I was actually so suprised to see it read 168. Its taken long enough I'll tell you that. But to go and spoil it I was off to newcastle to visit my family for the weekend which yes consisted of picky party foods on Sat night....a early xmas dinner on the Sunday .. and then gravy and chips for the chinese that night .. I was dreading stepping on the scales tonight when I got home but I did and it was 170.6 .. how on earth did I only gain 2.6 lbs after the amount I consumed this weekend, thats madness, I mean 2.6 lbs is something I did not want to put back on but I'm sort of grateful as I thought it would have jumped a lot higher than that, but its made me more dertermined to get back down to 168 and a bit more by Xmas day...even though I can see it going up again after my Xmas dinners!

Im sooooooo annoyed with the snow. Im hating it now, on thursday night i had to drive home when it was blizzardy and it was the most worst and scariest drive of my life..had to do 20mph down the whole motorway ..and like joining the motorway from a slip road I couldn't tell what the the slip road still..or the hard shoulder..or the right or left side of the road..it was awful!!!! And the amount of cars I passed that were either in a ditch or skidding across the road. And its still snowing now which means I doubt I'll be able to go to the gym tmorrow as I stupidly joined the gym next to my college which is like 30 miles away from my house so I am not driving again whilst the roads are still snowy and icey and it sucks .. I need to go to the gym..let off steam. Just hoping there is no more during the night or I will screamm.

Was watching hollyoaks tonight and I see its out about Hannah's ED again, I remember when it first came around it sounds stupid but I was jealous of her for being as commited as she was and losing the weight like she did and how thin she got (yes I know she was only acting which is why I said I know I sound stupid) but most of all I was jealous she had a friend who also had an ED and they had, helped and encouraged eachother, that is something I wish I had.

too much.

Do you know when you just feel like you have had enough? Well I am at that point.

I absolutely hate xmas, its just too emotional for me and then theres all the food and xmas sweets lying around the house..its torture, but since I am split up from college I just tend to stay in my room most the day, I'll go downstairs to get some water but quickly get back upstairs before I stupidly go and eat something. So this week all I have been eating is dinner and maybe a snack in the evening so definatly no more than what..500 cals a day?

Went to the gym yesterday, first time I had been in a week and OMG I literally could of died after the first 30 seconds but I got on with it did 15 mins on cross trainer, then 15 minutes running and then it was 7.30 just in time for eastenders so got back on the cross trainer and breeeezed through half hour on that...I sort of forgot I was even on it after like 10 minutes which was good. Going to go again tomorrow..I need to get back into the swing of it.

My mum keeps commenting on how she thinks I'm losing weight? Which is annoying me because I am not, I don't think so, my scales don't think so, so why does she think so? It makes me all paranoid like maybe she has found my diet pills in my bag, or my food track diary? Or even this blog? I doubt any of them because I know she would be on me like a shot confronting me about any of them, I know it is meant to make you feel good if someone thinks you are losing weight but its just like so frustrating like urrmmm why lie.

Yes I have just had too much of this place. I applied to uni the other week or so and I don't think I will hear anything now until after xmas but I just hope I do hear some positive news back asap because I just need to get away from here..sttart a fresh. One of my best friends made it 'official' with this guy she was seeing sooo basically 'then there was 1'. All 3 of my best friends now have a boyfriend and then theres me...I hate being the odd one out, I am glad they are happy, of course I am but that doesn't stop me from feeling like crap all the time. I just want a boy to make me happy like they have, a boy to spend my saturday nights with, to give me a cuddle when I want to cry and tell me it is going to be ok. Nothing ever works out for me and it has got to the point where I wonder whats the point as I don't think it ever will.

I need need need to shift all this fat on me, get rid of it, I want it out my life so I can atleast feel happy maybe? Feel happy at atleast one aspect in my life?

I need to be in control, to feel control.

fight.

I know where I want this to go,

Driving fast but lets go slow,

What I don't wanna do is crash nooo.

Anything that's worth having,

Is sure enough worth fighting for,

Quiting's out of the question,

When it gets tough, gotta fight some more.

♥ cheryl cole.

old times.

I found some old pictures from my year11 prom which was urmm 3 years ago and I thought I would post them as it is a bit of motivation for me to try and get like that again. I weighed about 140lbs then and in the pictures I am in love with my protruding collar bones and my arm, I want my arms to be slim again .. I want to get back to this and get even further, weight a lot less.

(picture deleted because I get paranoid.)

she will be my friend.

Why is it that the simplest, easiest things are the most hardest to do?

Mum - 'Can I get you something to eat darling?'
Me - 'No thanks I've already eaten.'

On the way to Topshop and smelling the aroma of chips and vinegar from the chippy.
Just carry on walking.

Friend - 'I was thinking shall us girls go out for dinner tonight, have a catch up?'
Me - 'Ah well I am pretty skint at the moment, how about I join you afterwards for a drink?'

Mum - 'We are going to order pizza tonight for dinner, do you want some?'
Me - 'No thanks I'm not really hungry.'

Friend - 'Let all go out and get smashed tonight?!!'
Me - 'Not feeling to great so how about I drive?'

Paying for petrol and the packet of minstrels catch my eye and start calling me.
Look away, look away, pay for the petrol and go.


It is so simple to get out of situations to stop me from consuming urgh amount of calories so why is it so difficult to actually do! I have complete control over what I say and what I do so why is it that sometimes it feels like I have no control what so ever? Its crazy.

I am so unhappy with pretty much every aspect of my life. My family got torn apart last year so that side of things are awful, I am dreading xmas, it used to be such a fun, enjoyable happy time but now it is the complete opposite, no big family xmas's, no family xmas films on xmas eve, no being woke up and stupid hours by my little brother and sister and waiting for my dad to check whether santa has been and having to put on xmas music and lighting a fire before we are allowed to go in the living room. I miss it so much.

I have just applied for uni but I am just waiting to get rejected from them all, probably a certainty. My best friends are all cosy and happy with their boyfriends lately, yet theres me all alone still. The boy I liked turned around not to be who I thought he was, think there was just a biggg bit of leading me on going on. I guess its true, the bad guys lie to get in your bed and the good guys lie to get into your heart. The good guys always hurt the most though. Surely theres absolutely no hope when even the good guys screw you over? Hey what can I expect though, hes a guy, guys screw you over. Why can I not find someone that isn't like every other boy? I thought I found the exception to that with C but I was majorly wrong. I hate being alone, it's a feeling that i just can't seem to shift, I will be sitting there and just randomly burst into tears I hate being so emotional but I cannot help it. This is why I need Ana. I know she won't let me feel alone, she will be there for me, help me to get what I want. But I have a long way to go till I'm worthy of being her friend, I know that and I will do what I need, she seems like my sorta girl, the best friend I've been waiting for.


xoxo

never easy.

I'll admit..I'm struggling, struggling a lot. My willpower fails me sometimes, actually not just sometimes, most of the time. Even when I think I am doing well I always go and ruin everything by eating something that turns into something else and something else and there I am in the middle of calorific hell. I just don't seem to have the control to say no when I should, I should be in control, this is all down to me and I need to start gaining some sort of control. It is so hard when you don't have anyone to talk to, I know I have all you girls on here but it is not so easy to just pop on the computor and blog especially when my internet in my house is so rubbish, it was down all last week..was torture. If there is anyone in the UK who is looking for a texting buddy I think that would be really helpful, whenever I'm tempted by something I have someone to talk me out of it, encourage me to carry on. Let me know if you thinking the same.

Hope evryone is doing okay :)

please

i just want to disappear

just disappear

disappear

disappear......

midnight blog.

Ok so I havn't reached it yet, I don't even want to know what I weigh right now because I know I won't like the answer. I havn't been very good lately, since I havn't been blogging I have eaten not so well. I think blogging helped me along, helped keep track. Anyway it is not the fact that I have consumed thousands of calories because I havn't, I'm sure I have kept it below 1000, 1500 at the most but its what I've chosen to eat that has been the failure, stupid snacks, crisps, chocolate, toast and other foods I should be steering clear from. Sometimes I have felt so disgusting afterwards I have purged but the last week I woke up in the morning after violently vomitting my dinner and had red dots ALL over my face, I've noticed a few red dots before after purging but never thought anything of it thought it may just be a heat rash from where I work myself up in a state, and well I googled it and found they were broken capillaries and luckily they went in about 2 days but even my mum noticed them, I just said I think I had a allergic reaction to a facial mask at college (I am studying beauty therapy) and she took it but I can't be having that happen all the time, Mia's meant to help me not make looking in the mirror 100 times worse.

I was watching supersize vs superskinny tonight and what I don't understand is how a 21 stone woman lost nearly 3 stone in the space of 12 weeks? All just by eating a normal diet, normal portion sizes? Why can't I lose anywhere near close to that when I am eating less than a normal diet, and smaller than normal portions and exercising vigorously?

Am I meant to be fat? What happens if this is what I am meant to look like, if fat is my fate? Is that possible?

I don't think anyone has the answers but some answers would seriously help, I just don't know where to look for them.

I just feel completely lost. Lost and losing. Losing when I just want to win for once. But am I just fighting a losing battle?

I hope all you ladies are not feeling as low and discouraged as me and are actually winning this battle.

♥

my thinspo special--x

I havn't reached the weight I want to before I post again but this is just a bit of a thinspiration post. But a special one for me. This may sound silly but for all the tough times I've gone through One Tree Hill has been the thing that helps me through, yes I know what your thinking, it's only a tv show but I am just in love with it. Whenever I have a bad day I just watch it back to back, when my dad died nearly two years ago the only tv I watched for about a month was One Tree Hill. The quotes, the storylines, the characters, they all seem to help me through things, things I can relate too. And well this post is some thinspiration from the One Tree Hill girls because they are all so amazingly gorgeous and I believe they can help me do this.

Everyone has to find that one thing that helps motivate them to carry on.

Thin is beautiful, even thinner is perfection. ♥

frustration.

171.9....what???? I don't understand, I barely eat anything and if I do it hasn't been more than about 700 cals in nearly a month and I have been exercising pretty much every other day burning from 400-800 calories and I am going up rather than down? I hope to god I am not getting muscle weight, I may need to lay off some of the exercising. I know about when your body goes into starvation mode and just stores all the fat but surely that only lasts for so long? Since I have started really lowering my calories and exercising regularly I have lost a total of 8 lbs but it seems to be sticking between 168-171..why isn't it going down. It makes me so frustrated when I fast and then I havn't lost which just makes me what to binge, I am fat already so might aswell go and fill my face with crap.

C came round today, the boy I told you about yesterday, he was only here for about an hour as he bought a new car and it was near where I lived so he stopped in. We just chatted for quite a while but then lay on the bed cuddling for ages, I mean he was proper holding me cuddling. Surely you wouldn't do that to just a friend? Ahh I don't know I need to forget about him and concerntrate on losing all this weight.

I have decided I am not going to post any more blogs until I get down to 165 so I may be gone a while girls, hopefully not though.

I will still read all of your blogs though and support you..stay strong girls hopefully I'll be back soon.

Thin is beautiful, but even thinner is perfection ♥

once upon a time

There was a boy. I've known him since I was about 13 when he was a youth club helper at the youth club I went too and it was my first 'older guy' crush, he was amazing. Now seven years later we still talk and for the last like year we talk pretty much every day texting, we meet up go for a drink, I go to the same gym as him so we have started training together and I think I am falling way to deep again. Thats a problem of mine, I fall deep, everytime. But....he has a girlfriend, they have been together about 4 years now but he tells me he cannot see them going anywhere but still doesn't change the fact they are together. What can I say though, he is one of those genuinely nice guys, I know that sounds a cliche because it barely happens but seriously he is one. I can't do anything about it though, if he felt the same way as me he wouldn't be with his girlfriend surely? And I don't want to tell him how I feel because to ruin our friendship would kill me, I have no control over something that is all I can think about and it is so frustrating. But my weight..I have control over that, I can change that which may change his views on me? If he see's a thin girl instead of what he see's now I may be in with a chance right? Maybe, maybe not, but it is as hell worth a chance I know it is.

Me and him, C, where at the gym yesterday and I found it so weird how he stepped on the scales after our workout hoping that it had gone up. I can't ever imagining wanting to see the numbers go up on a scale?! I know guys like to have muscles and be 'hench' but I do find it strange how two minds can want the complete opposite.

Saturday I fasted all day until about 7pm my mum literally forced me to eat something as I was going out and she wouldn't let me go without lining my stomach so in the end I settled for some pasta shapes which were 110 calories. I don't even know why I bothered fasting because I went out and got pretty drunk so god knows how many calories I consumed then and to top it off I had a subway melt on the way home at like 3am......drunken munchies are the worst! So Sunday morning I was up again to 172 : This morning though after fasting Monday and gyming it I am back down to 168 and I need to carry on going down, I do not want to be in the 170's anymore, never. I've got to do this.

My mums making me make cottage pie tonight and I can't get out of eating it because it used to be my favourite but it is a slimming world recipe so its 350 calories and it's all I will be having all day so I guess not too bad. I think she is noticing I am not eating as much, every time she gets in from work or I get in from somewhere it is always 'what have you had to eat?' 'what did you have for lunch?' 'what you having for dinner?' , she may of used to always asked these questions but I am noticing it more now and I know what I am telling her are lieslieslie and I feel bad but somethings are less important now, being thin is all I should be focusing on. A big thank you too all you girls with your incredible support and comments, whenever I feel the urge to eat I come on here and look at your comments and your blogs and it pushes me too stay strong, you are all amazing.

Thin is beautiful, even thinner is perfection. ♥

If it was easy, everybody would be thin.

Weighed myself the morning and am down another 2lbs since Monday. It feels like I am getting addicted, not so much to not eating because that has come easier than I thought but too losing weight. Im so eager and determined to see the number on the scales go down each time I'm on it. It's then opposite at the gym when I fight and fight to get the calories burnt number on the machines to go up, I am starting to feel obsessed.

Me being me I ruined my fast when I got in today from college and I don't know what made me go straight to the fridge and I opened a packet of ham and had 2 slices which is only 47 calories altogether but then that made me eat a packet of smokey bacon crisps. Literally shoving the crisps in my mouth so quick. Afterwards I just felt sick and when straight to the bathroom but it took me ages to get anything out, I usually find it easy to purge but this wasn't, felt like half my stomach acid had come flooding out just no food, eventually I got there. I still am pleased with a 42 hour fast, just next time I need to improve.

I have always wanted to lose weight, but never like this, I've never felt like it could actually happen. The motivation is different this time. I want to be able to lose so I can come on and tell you all and make me feel worthy. I want to get down to a number where I feel like I deserve a blog on here because I feel huge when I think of how much I weigh compared to some of you so I want to be able to feel accepted even though I already am starting to with comments from people, it does really help to know others are behind me, keeping me strong.

I will carry on doing what I need to do. I don't want food..I don't need food..food is for the weak.
I'm strong, WE are strong, we can do it.

Do not give up what you most want for what you want at the moment.

Starve on ladies ♥

fly away.

Fasting has gone good today. All I have had is water and a whole load of it, been needing the toilet every 2 seconds. Was at the gym for 2 and half hours too and burnt 750 so..

Calorie Input - 0

Calorie Output - 750 and a whole loada walking to and from gym.


No food has passed my mouth since 9pm Wednesday night so I've gone just over 24 hours and I want to see how long I can carry on for, I didn't feel hungry today at all until about 6pm, I went to mcdonalds with my brother and sister but didn't eat anything, not saying I wasn't tempted because I was but I don't want to let myself and everyone else down. I want this. I need this.


College tomorrow and then gymming it again, burn of as many calories as I can.

Thin.Thin.Thin.Thin.Thin.Thin.Thin.Thin.Thin.

I will be Thin.

Starve on girls, fly away. ♥

fast tomorrow.

Right gym tomorrow and going to fast all day tomorrow as well, had 640 calories today which is the most i've had all week and feel terrible, so bloated. So I plan to stay at the gym tomorrow as long as I can doing as much as I can to make up for today.

Got a test at college tomorrow as well, on the muscles of the face so have been revising all night which is why I think I ate a full dinner, to just get me away from revision...boredom is the worst thing for me because eating is usually the answer but not anymore, that has GOT to stop.

Sit-ups then bed I think.

Night everyone ♥

Today was actually a good day.

I got up to get ready for college and thought I havn't weighed myself since thursday night, I guess I should face the music and well...I've lost 3 pounds. I was so chuffed, I honestly thought I was just going to stay the same or gain, so happy that I've lost because it has shown me that yeah, maybe I can do this.

I am so glad I made this blog because it really does help reading your blogs, realising that I am not the only one going through this, that there are people that understand me because it never feels like there is.

Had my gym induction today, at first i'm not going to lie, I actually believed I was going to die. But then after I went through the machines with the instructor (this totally hot guy that I was SO embarressed when he had to weigh me) I went and just did things myself and I'm proud of what I did. 30 minutes on the X trainer is dyerrrr but well worth it. Burned 496 caleries altogether which I think is good for my first day. All I've had to eat today is half a cup of cup-a-soup at college and the light-headness I felt after I stepped of each machine felt so good. So good. It tells you you are doing it right.

Do you believe in something beautiful?

Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control

I see it in your eyes,

I see it in your spine.

But do you believe in something beautiful?

Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control

Won't anybody here just let you disappear?

Stay strong ladies, every lb lost is one step closer to your dream. ♥

Disgusting.

On halloween me and my friends dressed up as zombie school girls and well I got a bit to drunk and then on the taxi ride home I didn't realise i basically did a 'zombie photoshoot' for my friends camera. She has only just uploaded them on facebook and I look hideous. I look like a beast in some of them, and others my face looks fat and my arms and just I generally look disgusting. My makeup and outfit obviously isn't meant to look nice anyway but I just look like I've took it one step too far. I've tried making her delete them but no she just goes and tags me instead, you all probably think I'm being silly but I actually just burst into tears when she wouldn't delete them, I got so angry. I don't want people looking at them and I don't want to look at them, she say's I look funny but I'm not laughing. It's days like this that I get so close to self harming again, I just look at how revolting I look and just want to make me feel pain for allowing myself to look that way and actually allow someone to take pictures. I need to sort myself out. I need to find my way to how I want and need to look. And I will, food is the enemyy, food isn't going to help me find that route, all it's going to do is stop me.

xx

thinspiration is motivation.

Thinspiration ♥

I look at these pictures and would just kill to be like that. I want to be the girl other girls look at and say 'I want to be as skinny as her' or even 'You are too skinny'. But the one thing I need to hear is 'Have you lost weight, you look great' .. that is what I want to hear so I know I'm on the right path.

But I swear my boobs have gotten bigger lately and surely that only means one thing, i'm putting on weight..getting fatter. Skinny girls don't have big boobs...they just mean one thing..FAT. I don't even dare step on the scales to be honest. I don't want to know if i'm fatter..I want to be thinner. I didn't feel very well today so my mum made me some carrot and correander soup, I only had half the can which was about 86 calories so I'm okay with that. And it even made me feel full.

I wish I had booked my gym induction for before monday because I just can't wait to start on the cardio again, I think I am going to be living on the treadmill come monday.

Thin is beautiful but even thinner is perfection. ♥

Night lovelies xxx

ill get there someday.

Bad day today, went round L's and we started eating sweet chilli sensations and I think I had too many I just got carried away and now I feel so bloated and sick..but also that time of the month which makes me feel even more bloated. Plus my skin is so so bad at the minute, spots keep creeping up from nowhere!

I did however join a gym again today finally..I've got my induction Monday so then I can begin proper exercise again.. I can't wait.

Tomorrow - fast .. it has got to be done.

I need motivation, I think that's my problem, I need to get some thinspo pictures up. Looking at them always gives me a kick. Oh did anybody watch superskinny v supersize yesterday..that girls collarbones..amazing.

All you girls on here are such inspiration..I hope I can be as strong as most of you.

Night <3 x

sunday rant.

F A I L U RE .. I am a complete and utter failure. I lasted all day friday without eating anything but I only had one of those maple syrup drinks as they were revolting but I felt fine with just stocking up on water, I felt quite dizzy when I had a shower Saturday morning, I just felt so hot and faint I had to get out of there so quick! Saturday night I stayed at a friends and again I still hadn't eaten anything since thursday evening but then came today...

failure.failure.failure.

fat.fat.fat.

The detox diets off so I'm just going to have to fast during the day or just limit what I eat and then when my mums around eat as little as needed to keep her off my back.

I look at my 3 best friends and they are all size 8..small size 10 (US size 4) and then theres me a big 10/12 (US size 6-8) and just look like the beast...the fat one out of us all, the one nobody notices, no guys want a huge girlfriend and I just want fit in, be skinny. My ex's girlfriend is like a size 6 (US size 4) and I want to be like that, I might still have him if I was.

I just don't know if it will ever happen for me though :(

this is going to be hard.

I really wasn't looking forward to this lemon detox diet as I'm not a fan of lemon or maple syrup so I stayed in my room till 2pm today to delay me having to have some but eventually I went to the kitchin and made me some. And....urgh. Not a very nice taste attt all..to be honest all you can really taste is the sugar in the syrup which isn't very nice....I really do not know how I am meant to drink this about 6 or 7 times a day! Let the fun begin! I made mine with cold water though so I think the next one I'll make with hot water, see if that makes it any more tollerable.

But I am determined to try and stick it out for as long as I can and hopefully see results.

Hope everyones doing okay and doing well with their goals :)

xxx

one day turns into the next.

Okay so i didn't get to start my master cleanse today, I totally forgot that I was going out for dinner with my sister...dammmn. I made sure I didn't eat anything all day because I know the food at TGI's is full on junk food. I skipped the starters and then had a chicken linguine thing..i only ate half of it though as it was soo filling and I just felt sick eating it.

Tomorrow I am going to start the master cleanse....going to start exercising more as well, going for a run in the evenings, I should really join the gym again, it's just so expensive where I live though!

The price it costs to be thin ay.

xxx

I'm going to do this.

Right, I am not really sure why I have made this? I think it helps when you write things down, helps to get everything out and writing in diaries never work because I know what my mum is like sniffing around.

Where do I start..well I have a huge issue with how I look and what I weigh and have done for so long. I've found it so hard though to motivate myself into actually kicking all the fat off, I begin to, but then it soon finds it way back to me soon enough. I fast, I try fad diets, Mia becomes my best friend when I know I have eaten too much, I check calories on every single thing, I am obsessed with food and my weight and all I want is to be skinny and be beautiful.

I am going to start the master cleanse tomorrow, or some people call it the lemonade diet. You don't eat anything and just drink maple syrup mixed with lemon juice, caynenne pepper and water. I just hope it will work and it will give me the push I need in the right direction..wish me luck.

It was today that something clicked in me, I'm not too sure what but it is as if my brain has told me 'this is it, you've got to do something about how you look' and I am determined to. I want to be skinny. I want to be skinny. I want to be skinny. And I will be skinny. Whatever it takes...

Height - 177 cm.